What’s Actually Driving You? Emotion, Action, or Imagination – Process Communication Model (Part 3 of 3)

00:00:00,080 –> 00:00:26,020 Shaun Dyke
[upbeat music] Welcome to In The Arena. My name is Sean Dyke, Managing Partner of Door 2, a leadership development and consulting firm based here in Long Beach, California. Joining me, as often is the case, Chris Stemp. We are at episode three-

00:00:26,020 –> 00:00:26,390 Chris Stemp
Of the PCM, yep

00:00:26,390 –> 00:00:29,200 Shaun Dyke
… in a three-part series of the PCM model.

00:00:29,200 –> 00:00:29,840 Chris Stemp
Yep.

00:00:29,840 –> 00:00:54,640 Shaun Dyke
So let’s give that base reminder as we’re coming back into it. What is PCM? PCM is the Process Communication Model. It is a behavioral lens that we look through to help us understand self and others on how we like to be connected with, how we like to communicate, and the h- way we will likely handle the distress experience. In essence, we’ve continued to refer to it as sort of our owner’s manual, in general.

00:00:54,640 –> 00:01:10,150 Chris Stemp
Yeah, and so today we’ll be covering the last three of the six personality types. So in the first one, we gave a little overview, what is PCM? What’s its application? In the last episode, we talked about Thinker, Persister, and Rebel.

00:01:10,150 –> 00:01:10,200 Shaun Dyke
Rebel.

00:01:10,200 –> 00:01:14,580 Chris Stemp
And in this one, we will be talking about three other personality types.

00:01:14,580 –> 00:01:19,140 Shaun Dyke
So personality type number four, um, you and I both, both have a fair bit of this in us.

00:01:19,140 –> 00:01:20,100 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:01:20,100 –> 00:01:48,300 Shaun Dyke
This is that individual, um, that you know or that you are, that really goes through the doorway of human relations, of connection, and of caring. This personality type is called the Harmonizer. [lips smack] So they are the ones that really genuinely tend to always consider and see others in the world, um, as a core part of who they are. The relational dynamic and connection is critical for them.

00:01:48,300 –> 00:01:59,560 Chris Stemp
Yeah, they’re people-people. They’re feeling people. One of the things I like to say about Harmonizers is they’re one of the six personality types that you can see. When you walk up to them-

00:01:59,560 –> 00:01:59,570 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:01:59,570 –> 00:02:18,280 Chris Stemp
… you can see it, because they’re going to be smiling, they’re going to be warm, they’re going to be approachable. The truth of the matter is, and maybe I’m a little biased, but most people like Harmonizers because Harmonizers are the best at saying internally, “Who do I need to be for you?”

00:02:18,280 –> 00:02:18,660 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:02:18,660 –> 00:02:32,280 Chris Stemp
So they’re the chameleons, right? You talked about it in the last episode. They make great hosts. Um, they’re excellent at caretaking, taking care of people, thinking of others, um, and all in the name of the relationship.

00:02:32,280 –> 00:02:36,510 Shaun Dyke
Yeah. Uh, would you say that means… Uh, it’s a bait on purpose.

00:02:36,510 –> 00:02:36,520 Chris Stemp
Mm.

00:02:36,520 –> 00:02:40,660 Shaun Dyke
Does that mean if they just show up, uh, for you, does that mean they’re inauthentic?

00:02:40,660 –> 00:02:44,420 Chris Stemp
[lips smack] Ah, so I lo- we’ve talked about this a lot, right?

00:02:44,420 –> 00:02:44,480 Shaun Dyke
I know, yeah.

00:02:44,480 –> 00:03:09,269 Chris Stemp
Um, authenticity versus manipulation and things like that. The truth is, and people ask this a lot: “Well, if I’m trying to switch to connect with somebody else, what does that mean?” And one, we have all of these personality types. Two, what is your intent in that, right? That’s a key driver of is this authentic? Is your intent positive to create that connection? That’s authentic.

00:03:09,269 –> 00:03:09,280 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:03:09,280 –> 00:03:26,340 Chris Stemp
It’s an authentic want to connect. However, I will say that oftentimes the Harmonizer, they can get to the point where they feel they are trying to be so much for everyone else that, you know, uh, who are they without that acceptance?

00:03:26,340 –> 00:03:27,600 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, they could lose themselves.

00:03:27,600 –> 00:03:28,160 Chris Stemp
Exactly.

00:03:28,160 –> 00:03:30,560 Shaun Dyke
But so getting ahead of ourself on this one, so we’ll come back to it.

00:03:30,560 –> 00:03:30,700 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:03:30,700 –> 00:03:34,109 Shaun Dyke
Um, a core base part of me is this personality type.

00:03:34,109 –> 00:03:34,120 Chris Stemp
Mm.

00:03:34,120 –> 00:04:33,820 Shaun Dyke
And so I, um, often sort of highlight it with, uh, when my son Jackson was in Little League. He’s about 10 years old at the time, and, uh, we were hosting, you know, the annual parade preparation party. There’s a huge parade for the Little League that we go through, and so the kids have to build a float. So, um, in my mind, uh, that means we’re gonna invite kids over to our house, and we’re gonna build this incredible float, so I wanna be thoughtful and intentional about how we’re gonna do that. So let’s create a space that’s really comfortable for the kids, and what the Harmonizer does is the Harmonizer starts walking through the experience of the guest and what are they gonna have. So I thought about when the kids park, where they’re gonna play. We also had a pool at the time, and so I thought, “Ah, I wanna let them play, and so I’m gonna set towels out for them. They’re gonna get hungry, so kids like pizza, so let’s order some pizza. But, hey, you know, not all kids like pepperoni, so we should probably get some cheese. And what if we have some gluten-free kids? We should probably bring some of that in. We’re gonna need something to drink as well for those kids, and so let’s do something fun.” And so I was like, “We’ll make this kinda like punch bowl.” And you know what kids like is, like, dry ice. But no, it’s not Halloween.

00:04:33,820 –> 00:04:33,830 Chris Stemp
[laughs]

00:04:33,830 –> 00:04:34,760 Shaun Dyke
It was just fun.

00:04:34,760 –> 00:04:35,020 Chris Stemp
[laughs]

00:04:35,020 –> 00:04:47,220 Shaun Dyke
So I decided to put some dry ice in it. Parents, now the parents are gonna come. They’re not gonna wanna just eat pizza. They’re probably gonna want something a little more elevated, so we’ll get some better food. Parents like libations, like bourbon, as we’ve mentioned-

00:04:47,220 –> 00:04:47,250 Chris Stemp
Yep

00:04:47,250 –> 00:04:49,430 Shaun Dyke
… multiple times on here. Maybe we can get sponsored by a bourbon company.

00:04:49,430 –> 00:04:51,680 Chris Stemp
[laughs] If you own a bourbon company.

00:04:51,680 –> 00:04:54,340 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, exactly. [laughs] I know someone who owns a rum company.

00:04:54,340 –> 00:04:54,430 Chris Stemp
[laughs]

00:04:54,430 –> 00:05:23,280 Shaun Dyke
We can go that route. Uh, so, you know, it was like, great, we should probably have some beer and some wine and some waters and some sodas, but not just, like, one kind of wine. We should have red and white, and we should have Sauvignon Blanc, and we should have some Chardonnay. The point being that there is this indexing and this rotation into thinking about others. People, people. Now, I’ve said my wife, a lot of Persister, Thinker parts, thoughts around responsibility, money.

00:05:23,280 –> 00:05:23,420 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm.

00:05:23,420 –> 00:05:25,260 Shaun Dyke
In her head, she’s just doing the math.

00:05:25,260 –> 00:05:25,480 Chris Stemp
Yep.

00:05:25,480 –> 00:05:29,800 Shaun Dyke
Not that she’s not a people person, but she’s thinking about, “How much are we spending on this, and why are we doing this?”

00:05:29,800 –> 00:05:29,910 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:05:29,910 –> 00:05:47,520 Shaun Dyke
And they don’t care about all these things. It’s not necessary to do. No one’s expecting that, but that tendency to really over-rotate into really that thoughtful host or hostess space, that is the Harmonizer, that individual that leans into that so heavily.

00:05:47,520 –> 00:06:05,500 Chris Stemp
Um, one of the things that we’ve said in the previous ones was it’s not just the behavior, it’s the why behind the behavior, and as you’re telling that story, as somebody with really strong Harmonizer parts, I can feel at every step, the Harmonizer is saying, “Will this benefit or be in service of others?”

00:06:05,500 –> 00:06:05,860 Shaun Dyke
Yes.

00:06:05,860 –> 00:06:08,400 Chris Stemp
Right? It, it’s an awareness of their needs-

00:06:08,400 –> 00:06:08,840 Shaun Dyke
Yep

00:06:09,084 –> 00:06:27,564 Chris Stemp
… it is a monitoring of their needs, and then fulfilling them. And again, it often can quickly create a strong bond with others. They can see reactions of other people better. We call them canaries in the coal mine. They can feel what’s going on, for better or worse, in an environment-

00:06:27,564 –> 00:06:27,824 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:06:27,824 –> 00:06:33,864 Chris Stemp
… more quickly. Um, they’re just highly attuned to the human, you know, uh, human dynamics of others.

00:06:33,864 –> 00:06:36,494 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, and the, so the social antenna is, uh, on freak-

00:06:36,494 –> 00:06:36,804 Chris Stemp
There you go

00:06:36,804 –> 00:06:45,564 Shaun Dyke
… right. It’s really dialed up, where they’re gonna be in a space where whether it’s a family system or a organizational system, announcements are made, events happen. They read the room quickly.

00:06:45,564 –> 00:06:45,684 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:06:45,684 –> 00:06:51,834 Shaun Dyke
Like, they can feel and see what’s going on. That’s that core set of character strengths that they have. They’re warm, they’re compassionate, and they’re sensitive.

00:06:51,834 –> 00:06:51,844 Chris Stemp
And-

00:06:51,844 –> 00:06:53,203 Shaun Dyke
They tend to go through that space.

00:06:53,204 –> 00:07:01,204 Chris Stemp
Yes, and you’ve said this about a couple of the other personality types, but these do not skew towards introversion or extroversion.

00:07:01,204 –> 00:07:01,374 Shaun Dyke
Correct.

00:07:01,374 –> 00:07:06,824 Chris Stemp
In fact, all of the personality types we’ve covered don’t really lend themselves to one or the other.

00:07:06,824 –> 00:07:07,244 Shaun Dyke
Yep.

00:07:07,244 –> 00:07:17,044 Chris Stemp
Uh, you can be an introverted harmonizer, and my wife actually has a lot of this, and what it means is, yeah, she’s not gonna be around people seven days a week-

00:07:17,044 –> 00:07:17,344 Shaun Dyke
Right

00:07:17,344 –> 00:07:20,584 Chris Stemp
… but she has to be around the relationships that matter-

00:07:20,584 –> 00:07:21,144 Shaun Dyke
Her people.

00:07:21,144 –> 00:07:25,924 Chris Stemp
Yes, multiple times. She has to feel that connection with others.

00:07:25,924 –> 00:07:26,244 Shaun Dyke
Yes, yes.

00:07:26,244 –> 00:07:31,204 Chris Stemp
So that’s- that can be introverted but still have that people, uh, first mentality.

00:07:31,204 –> 00:07:44,084 Shaun Dyke
Yeah. Um, leaders that… in any facet, leaders that show up in this space, they do a really good job of creating loyalty because people feel cared for by them, and the reason they feel cared for is because they are cared for.

00:07:44,084 –> 00:07:44,104 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:07:44,104 –> 00:07:53,004 Shaun Dyke
Like, the leaders genuinely care about them. They, they authentically want to create those connections and those relationships with those folks,

00:07:53,004 –> 00:07:54,504 Shaun Dyke
and there’s a shadow side.

00:07:54,504 –> 00:07:55,324 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm.

00:07:55,324 –> 00:08:03,254 Shaun Dyke
They can struggle with a few things. One, conflict avoidance. They can struggle to walk out hard situations and hard scenarios because that might not be pleasing.

00:08:03,254 –> 00:08:03,284 Chris Stemp
Mm.

00:08:03,284 –> 00:08:28,224 Shaun Dyke
That might be a little bit difficult or weird. Uh, they can also really struggle to be assertive, to take a strong viewpoint or an opinion on something. So that links into that conflict avoidance, but that tendency to sort of want to please. The interesting part in this, and I really had to learn something about this for myself, was it w- it genuinely wasn’t compromising on what I wanted. So if somebody says, like, “Well, where do you wanna go to dinner?” And I would say, like, “I, I don’t care. Where do you wanna go?”

00:08:28,224 –> 00:08:28,644 Chris Stemp
Yes.

00:08:28,644 –> 00:08:30,024 Shaun Dyke
In truth, I did not care.

00:08:30,024 –> 00:08:30,364 Chris Stemp
Yep.

00:08:30,364 –> 00:08:35,364 Shaun Dyke
I wanted you to choose where you wanted to go because I wanted it to be pleasing for you.

00:08:35,364 –> 00:08:35,443 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:08:35,443 –> 00:08:37,404 Shaun Dyke
I didn’t have a strong concern about it.

00:08:37,404 –> 00:08:39,884 Chris Stemp
It doesn’t need to be a plus/minus.

00:08:39,884 –> 00:08:40,144 Shaun Dyke
Correct!

00:08:40,144 –> 00:08:40,784 Chris Stemp
You know what I mean?

00:08:40,784 –> 00:08:41,613 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, nicely said.

00:08:41,613 –> 00:08:44,464 Chris Stemp
It doesn’t m- mean to be because you get what you want, I don’t-

00:08:44,464 –> 00:08:44,534 Shaun Dyke
Yep

00:08:44,534 –> 00:09:01,464 Chris Stemp
… get what I want, and that is something I’m glad you brought that up. I’ve always felt about this. People will be like, “Oh, they acquiesce to others,” but almost every time, if not every time, I acquiesce. As a harmonizer rebel, what it does is it lets me go, “Number one, it’s something you want, and number two, I don’t have the responsibility of making the choice.”

00:09:01,464 –> 00:09:03,044 Shaun Dyke
It, yeah, it’s actually very-

00:09:03,044 –> 00:09:03,594 Chris Stemp
It’s helpful

00:09:03,594 –> 00:09:04,064 Shaun Dyke
… self-serving.

00:09:04,064 –> 00:09:04,524 Chris Stemp
Yes.

00:09:04,524 –> 00:09:05,613 Shaun Dyke
Beneficial for you-

00:09:05,613 –> 00:09:05,613 Chris Stemp
Exactly

00:09:05,613 –> 00:09:06,224 Shaun Dyke
… in a sense.

00:09:06,224 –> 00:09:06,664 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:09:06,664 –> 00:09:28,803 Shaun Dyke
So, so that harmonizer personality type is that relational individual. They connect, they care, they lean into it. They wanna be pleasing. They can be conflict-avoidant. They can struggle to be assertive, and they can, um, really over-rotate on being in service of others at all the time.

00:09:28,804 –> 00:09:29,224 Chris Stemp
Yes.

00:09:29,224 –> 00:09:43,044 Shaun Dyke
In every facet of their life, if they’re trying to be pleasing to those they work with, those they live with, those they interact with in the grocery store, um, they can deplete their tank really rapidly. And the interesting part in that is they don’t wanna put that on display.

00:09:43,044 –> 00:09:43,344 Chris Stemp
Mm.

00:09:43,344 –> 00:09:46,304 Shaun Dyke
They don’t want people to see that because that might not be pleasing.

00:09:46,364 –> 00:09:46,744 Chris Stemp
[clears throat]

00:09:46,744 –> 00:09:48,824 Shaun Dyke
So harmonizers can

00:09:48,824 –> 00:10:01,814 Shaun Dyke
live this heavy, echoing burden that they keep tucked away and internally. So we say that they may repress those things a fair bit. They struggle with putting anger on display.

00:10:01,814 –> 00:10:15,154 Chris Stemp
That’s what I was gonna say. One of the things… Actually, two things you mentioned there is, one, if you’re thinking right now, “I think I might have this,” or, “I know somebody that has this,” harmonizers don’t like putting other people out.

00:10:15,154 –> 00:10:15,184 Shaun Dyke
No.

00:10:15,184 –> 00:10:25,523 Chris Stemp
Or like you said, um, if they have a certain emotion going on, they don’t want others to feel it. They often don’t want to be at all a burden to others.

00:10:25,523 –> 00:10:26,044 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:10:26,044 –> 00:10:32,504 Chris Stemp
Uh, even to the point of compliments, when people compliment them, they will just instantly switch it around so it’s about you.

00:10:32,504 –> 00:10:32,784 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:10:32,784 –> 00:10:52,484 Chris Stemp
And so just recognize if you do these things. Another one that one time you pointed out to me, and, and I’ve since spent time practicing it, is harmonizers aren’t good at that anger. Um, and the way you put it is harmonizers often are the ones who will experience guilt-free divorces.

00:10:52,484 –> 00:10:54,024 Shaun Dyke
Yeah. We’re gonna open up this can. [laughs]

00:10:54,024 –> 00:10:54,103 Chris Stemp
Well-

00:10:54,104 –> 00:11:04,614 Shaun Dyke
No, I think we should chase this. I think this is a worthwhile one. I think just the mindfulness that I’ll have in this spot is you’re driving in a car, you’re running on a treadmill, you’re walking somewhere right now. You’re, you know-

00:11:04,614 –> 00:11:04,614 Chris Stemp
Mm

00:11:04,614 –> 00:11:11,504 Shaun Dyke
… cooking and listening to this, and you just got kinda this punch of, like, you’re like, “Oh, I’m that person. Yeah, that’s who I am. Wait, what? Guilt-free divorce?”

00:11:11,504 –> 00:11:11,723 Chris Stemp
Ah, fair.

00:11:11,724 –> 00:11:17,804 Shaun Dyke
That’s a heavy hit for you in a moment, so I guess settle in for just a second ’cause I do think this is an important one for us to highlight.

00:11:17,804 –> 00:11:22,724 Chris Stemp
No, I’m glad you did, and, and I don’t mean [chuckles] it in, “Oh, they all do,” or, “They all will.”

00:11:22,724 –> 00:11:22,814 Shaun Dyke
Right.

00:11:22,814 –> 00:11:30,163 Chris Stemp
But I think it’s such a tangible example that can happen and what this model can help you avoid if you should so choose, right?

00:11:30,164 –> 00:11:30,404 Shaun Dyke
Well said. Yep.

00:11:30,404 –> 00:11:36,364 Chris Stemp
If you are in a relationship, anger is a natural component of that, right? It is a healthy-

00:11:36,364 –> 00:11:37,704 Shaun Dyke
Anger is a natural component of your human emotion.

00:11:37,704 –> 00:11:38,473 Chris Stemp
Exactly.

00:11:38,473 –> 00:11:38,483 Shaun Dyke
Right.

00:11:38,484 –> 00:11:49,664 Chris Stemp
And, and then in a relationship, it is also necessary. It is a healthy part, but the harmonizers often, uh, for fear of fracturing a relationship, will not express said anger, although they still feel it.

00:11:49,664 –> 00:11:49,764 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:11:49,764 –> 00:11:58,404 Chris Stemp
Right? And that feeling of anger is very uncomfortable. It’s disconcerting. It’s something they learn early on, often in childhood, which we talk about.

00:11:58,404 –> 00:11:58,424 Shaun Dyke
Yep.

00:11:58,424 –> 00:12:20,847 Chris Stemp
And so they can just feel that anger towards a partner or towards somebody else, but they don’t let it come out, and so they just bottle it up, and they repress it. And over years and years and years, the pressure builds until there can be a point where they say, “This relationship is no longer-“… and they don’t feel, um, that, you know, animosity anymore.

00:12:20,848 –> 00:12:21,608 Shaun Dyke
They feel justified.

00:12:21,608 –> 00:12:21,838 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:12:21,838 –> 00:12:21,868 Shaun Dyke
Right.

00:12:21,868 –> 00:12:23,968 Chris Stemp
Now, it could be a divorce, but it could be a friendship.

00:12:23,968 –> 00:12:23,998 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:12:23,998 –> 00:12:24,437 Chris Stemp
It could be any type of relationship.

00:12:24,437 –> 00:12:26,168 Shaun Dyke
Any kind of a human relationship breakup, right?

00:12:26,168 –> 00:12:26,388 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:12:26,388 –> 00:12:43,908 Shaun Dyke
‘Cause they’ve had a, a, an accumulation of experiences that they inventoried as wrong, hurtful, harmful, imbalanced, not okay. But because they avoid conflict, they just inventoried it-

00:12:43,908 –> 00:12:44,628 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm

00:12:44,628 –> 00:12:47,388 Shaun Dyke
… which then translates into resentment.

00:12:47,448 –> 00:12:47,788 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm.

00:12:47,788 –> 00:13:23,228 Shaun Dyke
And that resentment creates a place in them that gets really, really corrosive to them. So what they will do is they will stuff that emotion, tuck it down, and just put on that beautiful, smiling face because they want you to experience them in a positive way. Not every Harmonizer experiences this, not to this magnitude, but it’s not uncommon for the Harmonizer personality type, their shadow side, in their plight to be pleasing, they will deprioritize self to a point of detriment.

00:13:23,228 –> 00:13:25,038 Chris Stemp
There you go. Very well said.

00:13:25,038 –> 00:13:27,068 Shaun Dyke
So, um,

00:13:27,068 –> 00:13:28,788 Shaun Dyke
psychological needs.

00:13:28,788 –> 00:13:51,358 Chris Stemp
Harmonizers need to experience things that feel pleasing, so that could be the environment, that could be the clothing they’re wearing, that could be the people they’re around, that could be the colors on the walls, the music they listen to. Um, every time I go home, there’s usually a candle lit and some music playing, and it’s just… It’s the environment that’s being created is one that is pleasing for-

00:13:51,358 –> 00:13:51,358 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:13:51,358 –> 00:13:51,947 Chris Stemp
… the Harmonizer.

00:13:51,948 –> 00:13:55,628 Shaun Dyke
Yep. Uh, it’s like, for me, if I’m gonna, like, cook a dinner at home with my wife-

00:13:55,628 –> 00:13:55,968 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm

00:13:55,968 –> 00:14:01,428 Shaun Dyke
… and if the kitchen’s messy, if there’s stuff on the counters, it just, it’s, it’s disruptive to the whole thing.

00:14:01,428 –> 00:14:01,708 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:14:01,708 –> 00:14:09,188 Shaun Dyke
Like, I need the space to be, like, cleaned up, a little music on, glass of wine, and then it’s a multi-sensual experience-

00:14:09,188 –> 00:14:09,408 Chris Stemp
There you go

00:14:09,468 –> 00:14:13,188 Shaun Dyke
… which I think is a really real thing for Harmoni- Harmonizers-

00:14:13,188 –> 00:14:13,228 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:14:13,228 –> 00:14:23,208 Shaun Dyke
… is all of those multi-sensual attributes. Like, if I go to watch a movie, like sit down on my couch and watch a movie, and this happens often, and there’s… Not sitting down on a couch and watching a movie. [laughs]

00:14:23,208 –> 00:14:23,608 Chris Stemp
Yeah, [laughs] I don’t think you do that very often.

00:14:23,608 –> 00:14:29,068 Shaun Dyke
That doesn’t happen often. But, but the kids will have been playing, and maybe there’s, like, some Legos-

00:14:29,068 –> 00:14:29,198 Chris Stemp
Oh, stuff on the floor

00:14:29,198 –> 00:14:33,188 Shaun Dyke
… or something in my line of sight. It’s out of place.

00:14:33,188 –> 00:14:33,218 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:14:33,218 –> 00:14:40,008 Shaun Dyke
And it’s not because I need it organized. It’s just because from a sensory standpoint, it just, it feels-

00:14:40,008 –> 00:14:41,388 Chris Stemp
The way it makes you feel.

00:14:41,388 –> 00:14:41,648 Shaun Dyke
Correct.

00:14:41,648 –> 00:14:42,448 Chris Stemp
That’s the kicker.

00:14:42,448 –> 00:14:43,548 Shaun Dyke
It feels unsettling.

00:14:43,548 –> 00:14:53,638 Chris Stemp
I was just laughing because y- we, you know, text, and you’ve sent me many pictures, “Oh, I’m cooking,” or, “I’m doing this,” and the thing that kills me with your steaks, you always have, like, the sprig of thyme. [laughs]

00:14:53,638 –> 00:14:53,648 Shaun Dyke
[laughs]

00:14:53,648 –> 00:14:54,648 Chris Stemp
Like, I will never-

00:14:54,648 –> 00:14:55,248 Shaun Dyke
Rosemary and thyme.

00:14:55,248 –> 00:14:56,088 Chris Stemp
Rosemary, sorry.

00:14:56,088 –> 00:14:56,538 Shaun Dyke
And thyme.

00:14:56,538 –> 00:15:01,268 Chris Stemp
I w- I will never, as the rebel parts, go through that, uh, amount of thing.

00:15:01,268 –> 00:15:01,318 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:15:01,318 –> 00:15:10,148 Chris Stemp
Eh, but it’s just such a you thing. It’s, it’s partially the way this is, uh, set up will benefit the person eating it, but partially it’s, again, for you.

00:15:10,148 –> 00:15:10,758 Shaun Dyke
Personal enjoyment.

00:15:10,758 –> 00:15:11,068 Chris Stemp
It’s that sensory-

00:15:11,068 –> 00:15:11,288 Shaun Dyke
100%

00:15:11,288 –> 00:15:16,608 Chris Stemp
… component. So one psychological need for the Harmonizer is get those sensory needs met.

00:15:16,608 –> 00:15:16,748 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:15:16,748 –> 00:15:23,808 Chris Stemp
Find the people and places that feel pleasing, and do not feel guilty about putting yourself in there.

00:15:23,808 –> 00:15:38,308 Shaun Dyke
Take inventory of it. I am conscious… When you learn that you are responsible for getting your needs met in order to show up in the best way for those around you and for yourself, this is when you have that chance to do that. So I’m conscious of if I’m off my game-

00:15:38,308 –> 00:15:38,488 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm

00:15:38,488 –> 00:16:01,908 Shaun Dyke
… I’m not feeling right, I will take stock of, “I need to get outside. I need a minute.” I will literally go outside and be, to your point, around some falling leaves or sit outside and get a little sun on my face, sit by a fire, something that helps sort of refuel that. And if you’re a sensory person, and you’re sitting with folks right now and you know this, you’re gonna laugh at this point because you literally feel yourself recharging.

00:16:01,908 –> 00:16:02,388 Chris Stemp
You do.

00:16:02,388 –> 00:16:06,688 Shaun Dyke
You feel this renewal and this refueling in yourself as it’s happening.

00:16:06,688 –> 00:16:07,177 Chris Stemp
Yep.

00:16:07,177 –> 00:16:08,328 Shaun Dyke
Uh, it’s, it’s powerful.

00:16:08,328 –> 00:16:14,748 Chris Stemp
So, uh, the other, um, psychological need for the Harmonizer is a very interesting one.

00:16:14,748 –> 00:16:14,838 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:16:14,838 –> 00:16:29,548 Chris Stemp
It is recognition of person, and the reason I say it’s interesting is because, w- as we’ve said in the past, it is your job to get your psychological needs met. Now, that doesn’t mean if you care about people, you couldn’t help them get their needs met-

00:16:29,548 –> 00:16:29,598 Shaun Dyke
Well said

00:16:29,598 –> 00:16:30,188 Chris Stemp
… as I said.

00:16:30,188 –> 00:16:30,528 Shaun Dyke
Yep.

00:16:30,528 –> 00:16:32,348 Chris Stemp
You could give them a, a drink of water-

00:16:32,348 –> 00:16:32,358 Shaun Dyke
Yep

00:16:32,358 –> 00:16:43,208 Chris Stemp
… metaphorically, right? So for a Harmonizer who’s going, “Wait, I gotta get my own needs met. I need to be recognized as a person, how do I do that by myself?”

00:16:43,208 –> 00:16:43,258 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:16:43,258 –> 00:16:45,188 Chris Stemp
It doesn’t really make a lot of sense.

00:16:45,188 –> 00:16:53,867 Shaun Dyke
It means that Harmonizers wanna be recognized, not for their work product, not for their conviction, not for their intellect, but for them, for who they are.

00:16:53,867 –> 00:16:54,028 Chris Stemp
Mm.

00:16:54,028 –> 00:17:10,748 Shaun Dyke
For the being that they are and the person that they are, that someone appreciates it. It sounds like, “Thank you for being here.” Not, “Thank you for your work,” not, “Thank you for the impact that you had,” just you, your presence, who you are. That’s recognition of person.

00:17:10,748 –> 00:17:10,788 Chris Stemp
Yes.

00:17:10,788 –> 00:17:16,648 Shaun Dyke
So on the Harmonizer side, receiving that, your question is, “Well, how the hell do I do that for myself?”

00:17:16,648 –> 00:17:17,208 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:17:17,208 –> 00:17:24,228 Shaun Dyke
You can seek it. You assert it. You tell the significant other in your life that that’s something that you need.

00:17:24,228 –> 00:17:24,608 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:17:24,608 –> 00:17:33,788 Shaun Dyke
That is knowing how to get your needs met. It is acknowledging, “Hey, being around you, one of the things that makes me feel good is when you give me a hug now and again.”

00:17:33,788 –> 00:17:33,988 Chris Stemp
Exactly.

00:17:33,988 –> 00:17:44,898 Shaun Dyke
I’ve told my wife before, she’s heard this one from me, and this is, you’ll… Yeah, this, this may resonate for you. If she comes up, I’m, like, doing dishes or doing something, and if she comes up from behind me and, like, wraps around me and gives me a hug from the back-

00:17:44,898 –> 00:17:44,898 Chris Stemp
Mm

00:17:44,898 –> 00:17:51,288 Shaun Dyke
… that’s fulfilling for, like, a month. Well, why is that the case? Well, specifically because it was solely her initiating.

00:17:51,288 –> 00:17:51,768 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:17:51,768 –> 00:17:56,088 Shaun Dyke
I wasn’t even looking. I didn’t create it. It just came to me-

00:17:56,088 –> 00:17:56,388 Chris Stemp
Yep

00:17:56,388 –> 00:17:59,728 Shaun Dyke
… and it tells me that she chose me-

00:17:59,728 –> 00:17:59,887 Chris Stemp
I see you

00:17:59,888 –> 00:18:00,688 Shaun Dyke
… in that moment.

00:18:00,688 –> 00:18:00,828 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:18:00,828 –> 00:18:01,788 Shaun Dyke
I see you.

00:18:01,788 –> 00:18:02,178 Chris Stemp
Yep.

00:18:02,178 –> 00:18:13,728 Shaun Dyke
And so the power in that for a Harmonizer… So if you are in a relationship, or you’re in a space where you’re a Harmonizer and you need that, you get that need met by being willing to state that. That can be hard for Harmonizers.

00:18:13,728 –> 00:18:19,352 Chris Stemp
I think before we go to the next one-… let’s wrap up with Existential question, just to easy up?

00:18:19,352 –> 00:19:25,722 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, Existential question. Remember we’ve talked about this before, so I’m just gonna hit the recap. Thinkers is, uh, “Am I competent?” They wanna be perceived as competent. Persister wants to be ceived, uh, be perceived as trusted and valued. The Rebel, um, wants to know that they’re acceptable as they are. The Harmonizer’s question that knocks around in their head is, “Am I lovable? Do I show up in a way that other people could love?” Um, which is the orientation toward pleasing, why I do all of those things that I do. So if the Harmonizer finds themself in a spot where they’re not feeling loved, and love has a variety of definitions inside of that; appreciated, cared for, thought of, they will start to over-adapt. They start getting excessively pleasing. They start taking on responsibility or taking on ownership of things that weren’t theirs to take any responsibility for. I’ve given that n- that story to you before, where one of my sons has a lot of Harmonizer in him, and he’s, like, 11 years old. I’m making pancakes one morning, and I burn myself on the pan, and his default response, which is very common for a Harmonizer, was to apologize.

00:19:25,722 –> 00:19:26,312 Chris Stemp
“I’m sorry.”

00:19:26,312 –> 00:19:31,332 Shaun Dyke
He said, “Oh, I’m sorry!” And I said, “Bud, did you just apologize for the pan?”

00:19:31,332 –> 00:19:32,232 Chris Stemp
[laughs]

00:19:32,232 –> 00:19:33,372 Shaun Dyke
But that is a-

00:19:33,372 –> 00:19:33,592 Chris Stemp
Yes

00:19:33,592 –> 00:19:35,062 Shaun Dyke
… Harmonizer response-

00:19:35,062 –> 00:19:35,112 Chris Stemp
100%

00:19:35,112 –> 00:19:38,192 Shaun Dyke
… to absorb the angst-

00:19:38,192 –> 00:19:38,252 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:19:38,252 –> 00:19:40,352 Shaun Dyke
… and to take ownership of it. “I’ll take it.”

00:19:40,352 –> 00:19:40,652 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:19:40,652 –> 00:19:43,532 Shaun Dyke
So Harmonizers are often anxiety sponges for people.

00:19:43,532 –> 00:19:44,312 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm.

00:19:44,312 –> 00:19:46,252 Shaun Dyke
But they hold that anxiety.

00:19:46,252 –> 00:19:46,442 Chris Stemp
They hold it, exactly.

00:19:46,442 –> 00:19:49,512 Shaun Dyke
They pull all of that in. That can be really difficult for them to hang on to.

00:19:49,512 –> 00:19:50,092 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:19:50,092 –> 00:20:08,702 Shaun Dyke
So that, “Am I lovable?” translates into that desire to be, um, pleasing to others, and when they’re not being pleasing to others, they often over-adapt and start taking, um, too much ownership of the situation. And in truth, a real strong statement… I’m gonna give two strong statements. I often don’t do this when I’m sitting with people-

00:20:08,702 –> 00:20:08,772 Chris Stemp
Mm

00:20:08,772 –> 00:20:11,812 Shaun Dyke
… ’cause it’s very personal for them, but since it’s just you and I in this moment-

00:20:11,812 –> 00:20:11,942 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:20:11,942 –> 00:20:16,832 Shaun Dyke
… one of them is that they can become a doormat in their relationships, so they just get walked on-

00:20:16,832 –> 00:20:16,972 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:20:16,972 –> 00:20:28,761 Shaun Dyke
… professionally and personally in that process. The other one that’s really intense for people to kind of recognize, [sighs] Harmonizers not uncommonly can carry some extra weight physically.

00:20:28,761 –> 00:20:29,672 Chris Stemp
Mm.

00:20:29,672 –> 00:20:34,412 Shaun Dyke
Because in their plight to get their sensory needs met, they will overeat.

00:20:34,412 –> 00:20:34,972 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:20:34,972 –> 00:20:51,032 Shaun Dyke
So they get sensory needs met through food. So if you’re listening out there, and you recognize that’s part of it for you, realize that there are some alternative, more helpful ways to get those sensory needs met, and don’t default to those things that are filling that need for you.

00:20:51,032 –> 00:20:54,511 Chris Stemp
So that covers Harmonizer. We have two left.

00:20:54,512 –> 00:20:56,292 Shaun Dyke
Yes.

00:20:56,292 –> 00:21:07,192 Chris Stemp
The fifth, these are the folks, you alluded to them in the first one. Um, the way they perceive the world is through, and this is how I put it, what they can do to it. [laughs]

00:21:07,192 –> 00:21:07,261 Shaun Dyke
That’s a great description.

00:21:07,261 –> 00:21:32,612 Chris Stemp
They are action-oriented. They are go, go, go, dusk to dawn. “I am driven by what I can do.” Now, a couple of differences. Uh, where the Thinker is what I can accomplish, the Promoter, which is this one, is a little bit more of not necessarily what I can accomplish, but what I can do. I- it’s action often for the sake of action.

00:21:32,612 –> 00:21:39,332 Shaun Dyke
Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good way to put it. It’s not always oriented in an, a complete end product-

00:21:39,332 –> 00:21:39,532 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:21:39,532 –> 00:21:57,442 Shaun Dyke
… um, but it certainly has within it movement, progress, energy, activity that they’re doing. So, um, we’ve said it, that, you know, you think about, um… It’s a little unfair to specifically categorize it into any one profession, but we’ll, we’ll say, hey, like, look at sales folks.

00:21:57,442 –> 00:21:57,452 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:21:57,452 –> 00:22:09,852 Shaun Dyke
Like, they are incredibly, um, common, that they’ve got in- really strong Promoter parts in them because they have that drive and that enthusiasm to go out and to win and to execute and make it happen, so-

00:22:09,852 –> 00:22:10,612 Chris Stemp
Make it happen.

00:22:10,612 –> 00:22:10,742 Shaun Dyke
They are-

00:22:10,742 –> 00:22:12,232 Chris Stemp
That’s a great motto for them.

00:22:12,232 –> 00:22:12,252 Shaun Dyke
Yeah. [laughs]

00:22:12,252 –> 00:22:13,552 Chris Stemp
Charismatic.

00:22:13,552 –> 00:22:13,932 Shaun Dyke
Very.

00:22:13,932 –> 00:22:19,011 Chris Stemp
You can throw them into most things, and not only will they thrive, but they will enjoy it.

00:22:19,012 –> 00:22:19,412 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:22:19,412 –> 00:22:29,752 Chris Stemp
I think about the person, we use this analogy, who you’re like, “Hey, so-and-so dropped out of this keynote. I’m gonna need you to give it.” And they’re the only one that’s gonna be like, “Not only will I give this keynote-

00:22:29,752 –> 00:22:29,952 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:22:30,052 –> 00:22:31,812 Chris Stemp
… and not know what I’m talking about-

00:22:31,812 –> 00:22:31,832 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:22:31,832 –> 00:22:33,592 Chris Stemp
… it will sound good, and I will enjoy it.”

00:22:33,592 –> 00:22:35,511 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, and it’s probable that all of those are true, yes.

00:22:35,511 –> 00:22:36,132 Chris Stemp
I know!

00:22:36,132 –> 00:22:36,162 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:22:36,162 –> 00:22:40,072 Chris Stemp
It’s an incredible, um, let me figure it out while I go-

00:22:40,072 –> 00:22:40,132 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:22:40,132 –> 00:22:41,651 Chris Stemp
… type of personality type.

00:22:41,652 –> 00:22:42,652 Shaun Dyke
They thrive in that.

00:22:42,652 –> 00:22:42,662 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:22:42,662 –> 00:22:47,911 Shaun Dyke
And so when we think of those character strengths, those three that hit these, charming, adaptable, persuasive.

00:22:47,912 –> 00:22:48,292 Chris Stemp
There you go.

00:22:48,292 –> 00:23:00,092 Shaun Dyke
And so they have those abilities to show up in a way that is charismatic and is charming, high fluidity and agility in what they’re doing. They can just shift and move on a target, and, um, they can be really persuasive, which is where some of that sales space comes in.

00:23:00,092 –> 00:23:00,401 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:23:00,401 –> 00:23:12,372 Shaun Dyke
‘Cause they do oftentimes, a lot of command of language, ability to sort of move and bob and weave in accordance with what needs to happen. Um, so from a character strength standpoint, a lot of times in organizations, people are looking for these folks.

00:23:12,372 –> 00:23:12,592 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:23:12,592 –> 00:23:15,212 Shaun Dyke
‘Cause they’re the ones that, like, again, make it happen.

00:23:15,212 –> 00:23:15,232 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:23:15,232 –> 00:23:23,752 Shaun Dyke
They move the needle ’cause they, they are always about, um, energizing drive and movement, so

00:23:23,752 –> 00:23:30,552 Shaun Dyke
dusk till dawn and beyond, right? Or dawn till dusk and beyond. They are just going and going and going all of the time.

00:23:30,552 –> 00:23:32,212 Shaun Dyke
And as we’ve said every time…

00:23:32,212 –> 00:23:34,652 Chris Stemp
There’s a shadow side. [laughs]

00:23:34,652 –> 00:23:36,472 Shaun Dyke
There’s a shadow side. [laughs] So talk us through the shadow side.

00:23:36,472 –> 00:23:47,182 Chris Stemp
Yeah, so you can imagine this type of person, primary goal, get stuff done. As you said, not always driven towards a complete and well-thought-out end goal, right?

00:23:47,182 –> 00:23:47,252 Shaun Dyke
[laughs]

00:23:47,252 –> 00:23:53,432 Chris Stemp
Um, and at times, they will look at everything as justifiable as a means to an end.

00:23:53,432 –> 00:23:53,812 Shaun Dyke
Yeah. Yeah.

00:23:53,812 –> 00:24:02,352 Chris Stemp
So one of the shadow side is they can play outside the bounds. They can, um, take the path that might not be the most scrupulous-

00:24:02,352 –> 00:24:02,401 Shaun Dyke
Mm-hmm

00:24:02,401 –> 00:24:02,932 Chris Stemp
… perhaps.

00:24:02,932 –> 00:24:03,452 Shaun Dyke
Mm-hmm.

00:24:03,452 –> 00:24:12,072 Chris Stemp
Um, there can be some manipulation, some, uh, mischief that is made in the sake of activity and doing.

00:24:12,072 –> 00:24:14,102 Shaun Dyke
They want to get the job done.

00:24:14,102 –> 00:24:14,132 Chris Stemp
Mm.

00:24:14,132 –> 00:24:24,451 Shaun Dyke
Whatever that is. So we always say that they are the ready, fire, aim folks, right? It is, “I don’t know!”… I’m gonna start. “Well, what’s the plan when we get there?” “Yeah, I don’t know. We’ll figure it out when we make it happen.”

00:24:24,452 –> 00:24:24,690 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:24:24,692 –> 00:24:27,131 Shaun Dyke
And the funny part is, that’s actually the excitement for them.

00:24:27,131 –> 00:24:27,552 Chris Stemp
Exactly.

00:24:27,552 –> 00:24:34,312 Shaun Dyke
Like, how can I? “Do you think we could, like, get into that concert without any tickets?” “I don’t know. Let’s find out.”

00:24:34,312 –> 00:24:34,462 Chris Stemp
Yes!

00:24:34,462 –> 00:24:38,351 Shaun Dyke
“And when I do, I’m gonna inventory that as, like, a badge of honor. That’s cool, I did it.”

00:24:38,351 –> 00:24:44,052 Chris Stemp
And one of the things that I think can get, uh, slightly twisted up is the Promoter and the Rebel.

00:24:44,052 –> 00:24:44,121 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:24:44,121 –> 00:24:48,532 Chris Stemp
But the why behind it, the, the Promoter’s not necessarily doing it for fun.

00:24:48,532 –> 00:24:48,772 Shaun Dyke
Mm.

00:24:48,812 –> 00:25:03,391 Chris Stemp
They’re doing it for a sense of adventure. They, they… just to feel alive and to feel like we’re, we’re, you know, maybe breaking the rules or making something happen. And the Rebel is gonna do it if they enjoy it. If they don’t enjoy it, they won’t do it.

00:25:03,391 –> 00:25:05,631 Shaun Dyke
Yep, and they’re looking for that re- Rebel’s looking for the reaction-

00:25:05,631 –> 00:25:05,911 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:25:05,911 –> 00:25:08,312 Shaun Dyke
… whereas the Promoter’s really toward the action.

00:25:08,312 –> 00:25:08,901 Chris Stemp
Yes.

00:25:08,901 –> 00:25:09,141 Shaun Dyke
Right? They’re pushing it.

00:25:09,141 –> 00:25:15,091 Chris Stemp
And there you go. And the Promoter doesn’t care as much about if somebody else notices it.

00:25:15,091 –> 00:25:15,212 Shaun Dyke
100%.

00:25:15,212 –> 00:25:18,532 Chris Stemp
They’re very much doing it, uh, on their own accord.

00:25:18,532 –> 00:25:18,901 Shaun Dyke
Yep.

00:25:18,901 –> 00:25:25,072 Chris Stemp
We have a, a good friend, um, we talk about this all the time. We’re all into DIY, and building, and doing.

00:25:25,072 –> 00:25:25,611 Shaun Dyke
[laughs]

00:25:25,611 –> 00:25:31,492 Chris Stemp
And she is heavy Promoter. She will accomplish more in a day than either of us will accomplish in a week.

00:25:31,492 –> 00:25:31,911 Shaun Dyke
Yep.

00:25:31,911 –> 00:25:34,331 Chris Stemp
She’ll be like, “I’m gonna build a bar,” and the bar is built.

00:25:34,331 –> 00:25:34,391 Shaun Dyke
Yep.

00:25:34,391 –> 00:25:39,601 Chris Stemp
And you’re like, “How do you do that?” But then you lean on the bar [laughs] –

00:25:39,601 –> 00:25:40,512 Shaun Dyke
[laughs] You’re in trouble

00:25:40,512 –> 00:25:40,581 Chris Stemp
… and you notice-

00:25:40,581 –> 00:25:41,712 Shaun Dyke
You’re in trouble right now.

00:25:41,712 –> 00:25:41,792 Chris Stemp
[laughs] Yeah.

00:25:41,792 –> 00:25:44,591 Shaun Dyke
I mean, just so you know, when this airs, you’re in trouble. [laughs]

00:25:44,591 –> 00:25:47,552 Chris Stemp
But you notice, like, the structure has, like, a wobbly leg-

00:25:47,552 –> 00:25:48,091 Shaun Dyke
Uh, yeah, you know.

00:25:48,091 –> 00:25:51,072 Chris Stemp
And it might be held on by duct tape and a hot glue gun-

00:25:51,072 –> 00:25:51,552 Shaun Dyke
It’s fine

00:25:51,552 –> 00:25:52,331 Chris Stemp
… where you should be screws.

00:25:52,331 –> 00:25:52,911 Shaun Dyke
It’s fine, right.

00:25:52,911 –> 00:26:04,851 Chris Stemp
And so… but I think it’s such a good, kind of, uh, storyline for the Promoters. They will get it done, not always concerned with the detail orientation, the correctness, or was it done to plan or scope?

00:26:04,851 –> 00:26:07,512 Shaun Dyke
Did it really matter? Did we get that energy met, and did we make it happen?

00:26:07,512 –> 00:26:07,972 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:26:07,972 –> 00:26:09,891 Shaun Dyke
Um,

00:26:09,891 –> 00:26:21,911 Shaun Dyke
so strength of them is that ability to bring energy and make things happen. Shadow side of them can be that we maybe will do it sort of unscrupulously because we are more oriented and concerned about making the deal happen-

00:26:21,911 –> 00:26:22,252 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm

00:26:22,252 –> 00:26:26,022 Shaun Dyke
… um, if we need to bend the rules-

00:26:26,022 –> 00:26:26,022 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:26:26,022 –> 00:26:33,272 Shaun Dyke
… or even break the hell out of them, necessary to make those things happen on some level. So character strengths for them, and then kind of that shadow side with them.

00:26:33,272 –> 00:26:47,131 Chris Stemp
What we should talk about is what is driving this? Because I do think, in my experience, this is another one of those moments when people go… ‘Cause at first, character strengths, Promoter sounds pretty awesome, right?

00:26:47,131 –> 00:26:47,232 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, yeah.

00:26:47,232 –> 00:26:52,532 Chris Stemp
They are flexible. They can get things done quickly. Charming, adaptable-

00:26:52,532 –> 00:26:53,072 Shaun Dyke
High energy.

00:26:53,072 –> 00:26:54,351 Chris Stemp
Everything you’re looking for, yeah.

00:26:54,351 –> 00:26:54,601 Shaun Dyke
These are-

00:26:54,601 –> 00:26:55,471 Chris Stemp
I don’t need to stop.

00:26:55,472 –> 00:26:56,811 Shaun Dyke
These are the people we watch in the movies.

00:26:56,812 –> 00:26:57,900 Chris Stemp
Exactly.

00:26:57,900 –> 00:26:57,900 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:26:57,900 –> 00:26:59,652 Chris Stemp
Great point, right?

00:26:59,652 –> 00:27:00,252 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:27:00,252 –> 00:27:11,172 Chris Stemp
What Promoters know, that we would like the rest of the world to know, is where that comes from. Why are they doing that, and how did it become the driver for them?

00:27:11,172 –> 00:27:13,232 Shaun Dyke
Yeah. Ooh, that second part’s more complicated.

00:27:13,232 –> 00:27:13,911 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:27:13,911 –> 00:27:17,081 Shaun Dyke
So their question is, “Am I alive?”

00:27:17,081 –> 00:27:19,091 Chris Stemp
“Am I alive?”

00:27:19,091 –> 00:27:28,792 Shaun Dyke
“Am I alive?” What the… what do you do with that, right? “Am I competent?,” okay, that makes sense. “Am I lovable?” Okay, I can make a link to that. “Am I trusted?” That’s fine, but, “Am I alive?” Well, of course you’re alive.

00:27:28,792 –> 00:27:29,851 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm.

00:27:29,851 –> 00:27:43,772 Shaun Dyke
But for the Promoter, “Am I alive?” is really that question of, “Am I l- am I living my life in the most jubilant, fulfilling, complete, adrenalized way that I could potentially live it?”

00:27:43,772 –> 00:27:43,982 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm.

00:27:43,982 –> 00:27:55,692 Shaun Dyke
“Do I have that stimulation and that excitement coming at me in these fun ways?” It’s why you will tend to see Promoter personality types much more into adrenalized environments.

00:27:55,692 –> 00:27:55,891 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:27:55,891 –> 00:27:57,722 Shaun Dyke
So you might see them more in motorsport-

00:27:57,722 –> 00:27:57,722 Chris Stemp
Mm

00:27:57,722 –> 00:28:01,341 Shaun Dyke
… or you might see them more in rock climbing, skydiving. Like, not always.

00:28:01,341 –> 00:28:01,371 Chris Stemp
Sure.

00:28:01,371 –> 00:28:03,752 Shaun Dyke
I mean, our friend that we’re talking about doing DI wor-

00:28:03,752 –> 00:28:03,762 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:28:03,762 –> 00:28:05,931 Shaun Dyke
… DIY work, that’s not her game.

00:28:05,931 –> 00:28:06,351 Chris Stemp
No.

00:28:06,351 –> 00:28:08,472 Shaun Dyke
But DIY, and a ton of it-

00:28:08,472 –> 00:28:08,702 Chris Stemp
Right

00:28:08,702 –> 00:28:10,712 Shaun Dyke
… and work, and a ton of it is-

00:28:10,712 –> 00:28:10,972 Chris Stemp
Mm, yep

00:28:10,972 –> 00:28:14,911 Shaun Dyke
… because those fuel that head space around, like, getting the adrenaline going and they’re doing.

00:28:14,911 –> 00:28:15,591 Chris Stemp
Exactly.

00:28:15,591 –> 00:28:17,992 Shaun Dyke
Okay, why, though? You said, “Where did that come from?”

00:28:17,992 –> 00:28:18,681 Chris Stemp
Yeah, what’s driving?

00:28:18,681 –> 00:28:19,202 Shaun Dyke
I mean, that’s complicated.

00:28:19,202 –> 00:28:19,370 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:28:19,371 –> 00:28:37,370 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, um, we haven’t necessarily chased this with any other personality types that deeply. So we said before that the formation of all these personalities is a function of, um, how we grew up. So I guess we kind of have to do this one anyway, because when we talk about the existential question, it’s gonna show up.

00:28:37,370 –> 00:28:37,870 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:28:37,870 –> 00:28:42,091 Shaun Dyke
So for this personality, um,

00:28:42,091 –> 00:28:58,212 Shaun Dyke
as they grew up, they commonly had caregivers, not always, but commonly had caregivers that might have abdicated the responsibility of care. They might not have been there for them in the same way.

00:28:58,212 –> 00:29:03,512 Shaun Dyke
They taught them they had to figure it out for themselves, and so you know the analogy that we always give-

00:29:03,512 –> 00:29:03,562 Chris Stemp
Mm

00:29:03,562 –> 00:29:19,052 Shaun Dyke
… is that if you wanted to create a Promoter, you take them in their youth, seven, eight years old. You take them out into the yard. You tell them you’re gonna throw a little ball with them, toss a Frisbee, do something. But you put an object that they’re gonna trip on in the yard. By the way, this is an example. Don’t do this in real life.

00:29:19,052 –> 00:29:19,091 Chris Stemp
Don’t do it.

00:29:19,091 –> 00:29:51,732 Shaun Dyke
You put an object in the yard that they’re gonna trip on and get hurt, and when they get hurt, and when they’re calling for you, walk over to them, put your hands on your hips, and tell them to, “Suck it up. No one’s gonna save you,” and walk off. And do that again and again as a caregiver, and the kids learn that they can’t rely on their caregivers and the people around them, so they keep relationships at an arm’s length. So part of the way they get that stimulation in life and that feeling of, “I’m alive,” is through incidents, not through relationships. We said earlier, people are wired for connection.

00:29:51,732 –> 00:29:52,152 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm.

00:29:52,152 –> 00:30:10,652 Shaun Dyke
They lose that connection, so a lot of times, that Promoter personality type can tend to want to keep people at arm’s length. They have a fear of commitment. They can struggle to be connected to people, ’cause historically, they have found that if I get too close to someone, and I create a reliance on them, I might get abandoned.

00:30:10,652 –> 00:30:11,361 Chris Stemp
They will hurt me-

00:30:11,361 –> 00:30:11,851 Shaun Dyke
And then I’m gonna get hurt

00:30:11,851 –> 00:30:36,656 Chris Stemp
… or they will leave. You know, and the reason… Again, here’s another one on why I think this is so powerful. Um, I have three boys, and it, uh-… it is just commonplace. You know, I- they’ll fall and skin their knee, and I will say, like, “If there’s no blood, don’t bring it to me,” right? With the best of intention of saying, like, “Hey, we do need to have some grit, some toughness.”

00:30:36,656 –> 00:30:37,616 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:30:37,616 –> 00:30:44,956 Chris Stemp
But this personality type and, and, and what we’re talking about, what it helped me realize is it’s still okay to instill grit and toughness in-

00:30:44,956 –> 00:30:45,186 Shaun Dyke
Oh, yeah

00:30:45,186 –> 00:30:46,656 Chris Stemp
… your children, boys or girls.

00:30:46,656 –> 00:30:47,755 Shaun Dyke
We would advocate for that.

00:30:47,755 –> 00:30:55,156 Chris Stemp
Exactly. However, can you do it with a way that shows them, “And I’m doing this because I care, and they’re… I, I’m still here?”

00:30:55,156 –> 00:30:55,596 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:30:55,596 –> 00:31:04,336 Chris Stemp
Right? Um, it’s a knowing we… that they can have some safety i- in the relationship through those formative years.

00:31:04,336 –> 00:31:04,816 Shaun Dyke
Yes.

00:31:04,816 –> 00:31:19,716 Chris Stemp
The promoter often comes from a early recognition that, “I can’t rely on anybody else. I need to become incredibly reliant myself,” and this is what drives so much of that charisma, adaptability, persuasiveness.

00:31:19,716 –> 00:31:20,196 Shaun Dyke
Yes.

00:31:20,196 –> 00:31:23,015 Chris Stemp
They formulate that to realize, “You’re not gonna do it.”

00:31:23,015 –> 00:31:23,356 Shaun Dyke
Yep.

00:31:23,356 –> 00:31:30,356 Chris Stemp
And so at work, they can get a lot done, and guess what? They can also not let other people get it done.

00:31:30,356 –> 00:31:34,916 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, yeah. We didn’t do this for all the other personality types. Every other one also has an origin story-

00:31:34,916 –> 00:31:35,275 Chris Stemp
They do

00:31:35,275 –> 00:31:41,235 Shaun Dyke
… on how those come about. Um, but the reason I think you kind of have to do it with this one is because the existential question-

00:31:41,235 –> 00:31:41,876 Chris Stemp
Exactly, yeah

00:31:41,876 –> 00:31:45,025 Shaun Dyke
… right, around am I alive, and how the heck-

00:31:45,025 –> 00:31:45,186 Chris Stemp
How does it tie into that?

00:31:45,186 –> 00:31:46,076 Shaun Dyke
… does that link into that?

00:31:46,076 –> 00:31:47,036 Chris Stemp
Yeah, yeah.

00:31:47,036 –> 00:31:59,196 Shaun Dyke
I guess last piece for them, distress for this personality type is, um, they’ve learned to say, “Suck it up.” Their expectation is that you figure it out.

00:31:59,196 –> 00:31:59,596 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:31:59,596 –> 00:32:06,336 Shaun Dyke
So when they are feeling distress, they’ll have default pattern of, “It’s not my job to take care of your crap.”

00:32:06,336 –> 00:32:06,596 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:32:06,596 –> 00:32:20,015 Shaun Dyke
“Do your job, make it happen, figure it out.” They expect you to be strong, expect you to do a good job, and they can have low tolerance for your, your collective issues. They just want you to make it happen.

00:32:20,015 –> 00:32:27,696 Chris Stemp
I was talking recently to somebody I care about, and they were complaining about something, and I said, “You know what? To tell you the truth, that’s a you problem.”

00:32:27,696 –> 00:32:27,775 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:32:27,775 –> 00:32:32,255 Chris Stemp
And I walked away, and I… That was one of my most promoter statements [laughs] again.

00:32:32,255 –> 00:32:33,826 Shaun Dyke
It might not have been wrong, but it wasn’t-

00:32:33,826 –> 00:32:33,856 Chris Stemp
No!

00:32:33,856 –> 00:32:34,096 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:32:34,096 –> 00:32:39,485 Chris Stemp
But n- and probably not what they needed. It’s this idea of like, “I’ll be fine. You need to handle this”-

00:32:39,485 –> 00:32:40,416 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, correct

00:32:40,416 –> 00:32:41,755 Chris Stemp
… is their, can be their distress sequence.

00:32:41,755 –> 00:32:44,755 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, correct, and where did that come from? They learned that.

00:32:44,755 –> 00:32:45,666 Chris Stemp
That’s what they were told.

00:32:45,666 –> 00:32:46,216 Shaun Dyke
That’s what they heard all the time, exactly.

00:32:46,216 –> 00:32:52,735 Chris Stemp
So they said, “I spend the majority of my life trying to do that for myself. Why can’t you do that for yourself?”

00:32:52,735 –> 00:32:56,166 Shaun Dyke
Yeah. You and I talked about this. We’re gonna end up doing more episodes.

00:32:56,166 –> 00:32:56,176 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:32:56,176 –> 00:32:58,056 Shaun Dyke
We’ll do some full episodes on distress-

00:32:58,056 –> 00:32:58,185 Chris Stemp
Yep

00:32:58,185 –> 00:33:19,696 Shaun Dyke
… in general, psychological needs in general, ’cause you can’t chase all of these in any one given time. But at least it helps you recognize sort of the groups that we’ve talked about before, distress coming from feeling incompetent, distress coming from not feeling trusted, from not feeling loved, from not feeling like that they were showing up in a way that was acceptable to people-

00:33:19,696 –> 00:33:19,976 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm

00:33:19,976 –> 00:33:29,295 Shaun Dyke
… from not, uh, feeling like that they were alive or feeling fearful that if they create that connection, they’re gonna be abandoned, so I’m gonna leave you before you leave me space-

00:33:29,295 –> 00:33:29,366 Chris Stemp
Right

00:33:29,366 –> 00:33:32,556 Shaun Dyke
… right? So these underlying drivers of it.

00:33:32,556 –> 00:33:36,426 Chris Stemp
Well, and the thing I find is, a lot of times, people just wanna know the why.

00:33:36,426 –> 00:33:36,436 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:33:36,436 –> 00:34:01,015 Chris Stemp
They just wanna know, “Why do I have this feeling that everybody’s gonna leave?” or “Why do I have this feeling that I have to be the strongest one in the room?” or “Why do I have this feeling that everybody has to like me?” And now we get to say, “Well, one, here’s some of the answers. Two, here’s some of the things you can do about it, psych needs and, and whatnot. Um, and then three, and perhaps most importantly, like, it’s normal. This is in everybody’s user manual.”

00:34:01,015 –> 00:34:02,036 Shaun Dyke
It’s validating.

00:34:02,036 –> 00:34:02,666 Chris Stemp
You know what I mean?

00:34:02,666 –> 00:34:02,676 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:34:02,676 –> 00:34:02,735 Chris Stemp
Like-

00:34:02,735 –> 00:34:02,745 Shaun Dyke
And-

00:34:02,745 –> 00:34:06,336 Chris Stemp
… and that’s what I find people, they just go, “Oh, okay, good.”

00:34:06,336 –> 00:34:06,396 Shaun Dyke
Yes.

00:34:06,396 –> 00:34:11,176 Chris Stemp
“I’m not crazier. This is normal.” Yep, there’s seven people in this room that feel pretty similar-

00:34:11,176 –> 00:34:11,235 Shaun Dyke
Yep

00:34:11,235 –> 00:34:12,516 Chris Stemp
… or whatever it might be, you know?

00:34:12,516 –> 00:34:15,476 Shaun Dyke
And to highlight, by the way, not everybody thinks like you.

00:34:15,476 –> 00:34:16,245 Chris Stemp
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:34:16,245 –> 00:34:19,176 Shaun Dyke
Like, there are many like you, and there are many not like you.

00:34:19,176 –> 00:34:19,496 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:34:19,496 –> 00:34:21,735 Shaun Dyke
And then you get to choose, what do you do with that?

00:34:21,735 –> 00:34:21,795 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:34:21,795 –> 00:34:24,556 Shaun Dyke
Like, how does that work? Last one.

00:34:24,556 –> 00:34:25,916 Chris Stemp
Which brings us to the last one-

00:34:25,916 –> 00:34:26,216 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:34:26,216 –> 00:34:28,206 Chris Stemp
… which is there are many like you and many not like you.

00:34:28,206 –> 00:34:29,355 Shaun Dyke
Not like you.

00:34:29,355 –> 00:34:48,556 Chris Stemp
I tend to think this… We saved the, the best for last or the hardest for last, but that’s because I don’t have a lot of it, and you don’t either. So it’s this thing that I love teaching this one or understanding it, because it wasn’t something I’m going to really learn through my own experience-

00:34:48,556 –> 00:34:48,656 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:34:48,656 –> 00:34:52,056 Chris Stemp
… at least not yet, because I just don’t have as much in me.

00:34:52,056 –> 00:35:05,216 Shaun Dyke
Yeah. So, um, one of the things that I’ll highlight with this, ’cause I think it’s an easy grounding or framing to come into this, we’ve said before that none of these are correlated to IQ. We also said none of them were correlated, that we had spoken to yet-

00:35:05,216 –> 00:35:05,536 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:35:05,536 –> 00:35:37,296 Shaun Dyke
… were correlated to introversion or extroversion scale. This personality type, that is called the imaginer, is closely connected into introversion. This personality type, um, they are incredibly internally imaginative and thoughtful around it. The way they’re going to show up is much more in their own mind, in their own head. They are internal processors. They are, um,

00:35:37,356 –> 00:35:54,476 Shaun Dyke
tend to be less, uh, emotive. They tend to show up more flat affect in the world. They don’t have a, what would look like a whole lot of, like, external exuberance, kind of the, almost the extreme opposite of a rebel-

00:35:54,476 –> 00:35:54,486 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:35:54,486 –> 00:36:00,196 Shaun Dyke
… in the way the rebel might show up in that. It doesn’t mean not engaged.

00:36:00,196 –> 00:36:00,286 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:36:00,286 –> 00:36:08,036 Shaun Dyke
It doesn’t mean not present. It doesn’t mean not thoughtful. The world can heavily misconstrue this. Using your analogy of the water heater-

00:36:08,036 –> 00:36:08,185 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm

00:36:08,185 –> 00:36:14,566 Shaun Dyke
… when that shows up on the ima- on the imaginer, we tend to say that the imaginer is probably the most misunderstood-

00:36:14,566 –> 00:36:14,616 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:36:14,616 –> 00:36:25,575 Shaun Dyke
… personality type in general. Because you don’t get a lot from them. They don’t… Y- you’re not, they’re not gonna narrate their reality as well as others do.

00:36:25,576 –> 00:36:25,895 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm.

00:36:25,895 –> 00:36:32,666 Shaun Dyke
When we talk about people are walking billboards-… their billboards oftentimes don’t show a lot on them externally.

00:36:32,666 –> 00:36:32,696 Chris Stemp
Exactly.

00:36:32,696 –> 00:36:36,836 Shaun Dyke
It doesn’t mean there’s not a rich internal world that’s happening, though.

00:36:36,836 –> 00:36:57,136 Chris Stemp
Yeah, and one of the ways that I think about Imaginor is most of the other personality types, if not all, uh, have a, a drive to externalize something, right? So the Harmonizer wants to cre- externalize, create that connection, or the Thinker wants to do the work, right?

00:36:57,136 –> 00:36:57,356 Shaun Dyke
Yep.

00:36:57,356 –> 00:37:06,336 Chris Stemp
Or the Promoter, just everything. Um, the Imaginor, they actually don’t want to externalize their internal world.

00:37:06,336 –> 00:37:06,676 Shaun Dyke
They don’t have a strong need for that.

00:37:06,676 –> 00:37:08,216 Chris Stemp
They want to stay internal.

00:37:08,216 –> 00:37:08,836 Shaun Dyke
Yep.

00:37:08,836 –> 00:37:15,936 Chris Stemp
The Imaginor is often inaction, but that is not a, a laziness. It is a internal action.

00:37:15,936 –> 00:37:23,816 Shaun Dyke
Nicely said. They can be… You know, you and I talk about this all the time when we talk about, like, Imaginors oftentimes find themselves as artists or musicians-

00:37:23,816 –> 00:37:24,116 Chris Stemp
Exactly

00:37:24,116 –> 00:37:26,156 Shaun Dyke
… or software writers or authors-

00:37:26,156 –> 00:37:26,376 Chris Stemp
Yep

00:37:26,376 –> 00:37:38,456 Shaun Dyke
… where they have a rich, internal, imaginative world that allows for the creation of things, imagining something into existence that didn’t exist before.

00:37:38,456 –> 00:37:38,636 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:37:38,636 –> 00:37:56,816 Shaun Dyke
There’s incredible power inside of that. For the Imaginor, it, it flat out is difficult to navigate effectively in corporate worlds, where loud, uh, externally prominent voices tend to show up. It can be more challenging for them-

00:37:56,816 –> 00:37:56,826 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm

00:37:56,826 –> 00:38:20,295 Shaun Dyke
… ’cause that’s not the place that they tend to enjoy as much. It doesn’t, um… I think that they can be articulated or misunderstood as, like, um, a hermetic, [chuckles] like they wanna disappear, be like a hermit, or they’re one of these, “You know, I wanna go just crawl into a hole by myself.” That’s just false. That’s not the case at all. They don’t have a need to be around people-

00:38:20,296 –> 00:38:20,836 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm

00:38:20,836 –> 00:38:42,676 Shaun Dyke
… as much. Um, it can actually be, uh, excessively energy-consuming, being around people, so withdrawing and having time for self, alone time, reflecting, reading, being, journaling, doing, or have a set of headphones on, looking quiet while they’re listening to some crazy loud music going on.

00:38:42,676 –> 00:38:42,686 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:38:42,686 –> 00:38:48,016 Shaun Dyke
It doesn’t mean that they’re just this, this melancholic, sedate state at all.

00:38:48,016 –> 00:38:51,276 Chris Stemp
They have more probably going on internally than many-

00:38:51,276 –> 00:38:51,416 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:38:51,416 –> 00:38:58,496 Chris Stemp
… but it doesn’t show to the outside world. Their character strengths are calm, reflective, imaginative.

00:38:58,496 –> 00:38:58,856 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:38:58,856 –> 00:39:07,195 Chris Stemp
So think about the times in your life where those strengths will serve you or have served you. They’re coming from this Imaginor personality type.

00:39:07,196 –> 00:39:08,356 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, that you’re accessing.

00:39:08,356 –> 00:39:08,636 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:39:08,636 –> 00:39:16,756 Shaun Dyke
And, um, a phrase that we tend to like to say around this, and we mean it as a, obviously as an incredible strength, is that the calmest waters are often the deepest.

00:39:16,756 –> 00:39:17,436 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm.

00:39:17,436 –> 00:39:43,366 Shaun Dyke
The difficulty is people often aren’t patient enough to sit by the calm waters, the still waters, long enough to really extract that, ’cause we tend to operate with such speed and such urgency and such expectation. You know, I, um, remember years ago, I was, uh… You know this story. I was on a car ride. Uh, it’s like a two-hour car drive somewhere, and, um, there was a gentleman that I, I didn’t know him very well. I, I’m as extroverted as you can be.

00:39:43,366 –> 00:39:44,116 Chris Stemp
Just chatting it up, yeah. [laughs]

00:39:44,116 –> 00:39:45,616 Shaun Dyke
I am Harmonizery-

00:39:45,616 –> 00:39:45,626 Chris Stemp
[laughs]

00:39:45,626 –> 00:39:47,686 Shaun Dyke
… and I’m like, “Oh, people! Yay,” right?

00:39:47,686 –> 00:39:47,696 Chris Stemp
[laughs]

00:39:47,696 –> 00:39:50,976 Shaun Dyke
And so we get in the car, and, um,

00:39:50,976 –> 00:39:55,856 Shaun Dyke
I did not know at the time that he was an Imaginor. I just didn’t know him at all, and [laughs] it’s such a mess.

00:39:55,856 –> 00:39:57,936 Chris Stemp
God, he must have hated this, you know? [laughs]

00:39:57,936 –> 00:39:59,116 Shaun Dyke
Oh, we both hated it!

00:39:59,116 –> 00:39:59,156 Chris Stemp
Yeah, [laughs] right.

00:39:59,156 –> 00:40:18,296 Shaun Dyke
We didn’t realize it, because I would be like, “So, man, where are you from?” And he would say, like, you know, “Buffalo.” “All right, sweet.” Uh, and then I wait for a second. I’d be like, “So, like, y- d’you, like, you grew up there? Like, how, how was that?” “It’s good.” And then we drive for a little bit more, and I was like, “This is just super awkward, and I gotta find a way to make this guy come out of his shell.” Why I felt that need?

00:40:18,296 –> 00:40:18,496 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:40:18,496 –> 00:40:27,026 Shaun Dyke
I don’t know. I was uncomfortable. So I’d say, like, “So you have, like, siblings?” And he’d go, “Yeah.” [laughs] And I was like, like, “Brothers, sisters?”

00:40:27,026 –> 00:40:27,096 Chris Stemp
[laughs]

00:40:27,096 –> 00:40:27,826 Shaun Dyke
“Like, one or two?”

00:40:27,826 –> 00:40:28,976 Chris Stemp
You’re like, “I gotta inject immediately.”

00:40:28,976 –> 00:40:41,956 Shaun Dyke
So it was such a long car ride, and like, I get to the destination, and I tell my wife, like, “That was brutal. Like, that was just so hard to ride with him.” And like, a half an hour later, she comes up to me chuckling, and she says, “So I was just talking to his wife-

00:40:41,956 –> 00:40:42,366 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm.

00:40:42,366 –> 00:40:49,966 Shaun Dyke
… and, uh, sh- he said, ‘That was brutal. [laughs] Sean just wouldn’t stop talking,’ right?” We call this a miss in this world-

00:40:49,966 –> 00:40:49,976 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:40:49,976 –> 00:40:55,736 Shaun Dyke
… where we’re working, where the channel of communication we’re trying to use to communicate is just totally incongruent with the other one.

00:40:55,736 –> 00:40:55,936 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:40:55,936 –> 00:40:59,836 Shaun Dyke
So the Imaginor, he would’ve been completely happy with, “Man, let me throw some music on. Let’s just ride.”

00:40:59,836 –> 00:41:00,256 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:41:00,256 –> 00:41:05,696 Shaun Dyke
And he wouldn’t have felt the discomfort in it. It would’ve been fine, in fact, fueling.

00:41:05,696 –> 00:41:09,895 Chris Stemp
Which is fascinating, too, because there are many listening who are like, “Yes, Sean, stop talking.”

00:41:09,895 –> 00:41:10,216 Shaun Dyke
[laughs]

00:41:10,216 –> 00:41:13,416 Chris Stemp
And then there’s many listening, going, “I, I hate that awkward silence.”

00:41:13,416 –> 00:41:13,756 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:41:13,756 –> 00:41:21,696 Chris Stemp
And it just goes to show, what we do in PCM is we put a name and an understanding and awareness to the experiences we all have-

00:41:21,696 –> 00:41:22,066 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:41:22,066 –> 00:41:34,416 Chris Stemp
… so that when you’re in that car, and it’s quiet, you don’t start going, “They don’t like me. I gotta fill the silence. This is awkward.” You can say, “Maybe this is their jam. Maybe I can try it on for size, and we’ll see what happens.”

00:41:34,416 –> 00:41:34,796 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:41:34,796 –> 00:41:35,256 Chris Stemp
You know?

00:41:35,256 –> 00:41:35,306 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, yep.

00:41:35,306 –> 00:41:42,395 Chris Stemp
A way to, um, build connection while also trying out a new personality type, if you will-

00:41:42,395 –> 00:41:42,456 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:41:42,456 –> 00:41:52,596 Chris Stemp
… which we’ll get into in a, in a, in another episode. Talked a little bit about the character strengths. Uh, let’s wrap this up with a couple more. One, what is the existential question that’s driving the Imaginor?

00:41:52,596 –> 00:42:24,056 Shaun Dyke
Yep. It’s, uh… It sounds counter to the individual, because we’ve just said that they actually like to be left alone. They spend more time, uh, internal. But the existential question is, “Am I wanted?” Which sounds, again, counter, but wait, you put yourself in a position where you don’t want to be around people. Yes and no. The question is because of that tendency for them to withdraw, when they withdraw, there is an echo. “Does my existence, does my presence, does it matter?

00:42:24,056 –> 00:42:24,395 Chris Stemp
Mm.

00:42:24,395 –> 00:42:35,835 Shaun Dyke
Do people want me around? Do people want my views, they want my opinions?” And sometimes we have this whole self-fulfilling thing that we will do, where, as we retreat-

00:42:36,147 –> 00:42:42,808 Chris Stemp
… and no one comes to check on us, and no one interacts, it fuels that head space for us of, “Am I wanted?”

00:42:42,808 –> 00:42:43,127 Shaun Dyke
Mm-hmm.

00:42:43,127 –> 00:43:14,748 Chris Stemp
Best description of this ever was from my brother-in-law. He did a phenomenal job. I said, “I don’t understand how ‘am I wanted’ is your need, dude,” ’cause he’s an imaginer. And he was like, “I’ll explain it to you perfectly.” He said, “Let’s take Thanksgiving,” and, um, Thanksgiving is kind of a nightmare for me, because there’s people everywhere. But I know I need to be socially appropriate. I’m- I know the correct thing, so of course, I come out, I interact, I socialize. But within about 15, 20 minutes, he, he does a really nice job of fading to the back. In fact, he’ll often disappear. He’ll head into his room, and so for 20 minutes or so to recharge.

00:43:14,748 –> 00:43:15,147 Shaun Dyke
Mm-hmm.

00:43:15,147 –> 00:43:33,048 Chris Stemp
And he said, “I might be in there reading, or maybe I’m playing a video game or doing something, but here’s what I want to have happen. I want you to walk down the hall, and I want you to knock on my door. [knocking] And then I wanna say, ‘Yeah?’ And I want you to just go, ‘You good?’ And I’m gonna say, ‘Yeah,’ and then I want you to walk on. I don’t want you to come in.” [laughs] “I need the time.”

00:43:33,048 –> 00:43:33,437 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:43:33,437 –> 00:43:37,147 Chris Stemp
“But I wanna know that my absence was noticed-

00:43:37,147 –> 00:43:37,488 Shaun Dyke
Right

00:43:37,488 –> 00:43:47,408 Chris Stemp
… that I was wanted in that space.” So there is this power in the imaginer when they recognize they are.

00:43:47,408 –> 00:43:47,477 Shaun Dyke
Right.

00:43:47,477 –> 00:44:03,448 Chris Stemp
That they are wanted, that the collective capabilities that they bring are. The difficulty is because of the natural style and the natural way that they show up, they can unintentionally put themselves on the back of the shelf-

00:44:03,448 –> 00:44:03,727 Shaun Dyke
Right

00:44:03,727 –> 00:44:14,087 Chris Stemp
… where people may miss or may see them. Which brings us to the final component of what we’re gonna cover, which is psych needs, and the psych needs of the imaginer is actually fairly simple for once.

00:44:14,087 –> 00:44:14,098 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:44:14,098 –> 00:44:15,707 Chris Stemp
We have one, which is solitude.

00:44:15,707 –> 00:44:16,187 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:44:16,187 –> 00:44:21,268 Chris Stemp
They don’t want to be alone, they need it.

00:44:21,268 –> 00:44:21,288 Shaun Dyke
Need it.

00:44:21,288 –> 00:44:37,727 Chris Stemp
And the way… The, the final thing that got me to understand imaginer was solitude is their need, and if they don’t get it, they will make it. And the way that shows up is they are physically present but mentally not present.

00:44:37,727 –> 00:44:38,127 Shaun Dyke
Not present.

00:44:38,127 –> 00:44:53,028 Chris Stemp
They are in their own world, and so if you have imaginers in your life, and you’re trying to talk to them, and they’re kind of just off- st- staring off into space, for lack of a better term, they’re not ignoring you. They are getting that need met-

00:44:53,028 –> 00:44:53,037 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:44:53,037 –> 00:44:54,147 Chris Stemp
… in this environment.

00:44:54,147 –> 00:44:55,087 Shaun Dyke
Yeah.

00:44:55,087 –> 00:44:57,768 Chris Stemp
That’s a tough one to… It’s a tough one to understand.

00:44:57,768 –> 00:45:10,368 Shaun Dyke
One of the coolest linkages, [clears throat] and I would say if this is you, take heart and know that you’re doing fine in this. Harmonizer parent, imaginer child. The harmonizer parent wants to connect-

00:45:10,368 –> 00:45:10,497 Chris Stemp
Mm-hmm

00:45:10,497 –> 00:45:16,738 Shaun Dyke
… wants to relate, wants to be, wants to hug, wants to be present, wants to physically touch, wants to interact, wants to be loved by.

00:45:16,738 –> 00:45:17,037 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:45:17,037 –> 00:45:26,868 Shaun Dyke
And the imaginer child can, a lot of times, not show that. They don’t demonstrate it, and they don’t need the space. They, maybe they wanna be in their own room, reading. [clears throat] There’s nothing wrong with that.

00:45:26,868 –> 00:45:27,388 Chris Stemp
Right.

00:45:27,388 –> 00:45:35,747 Shaun Dyke
They’re getting that need met in the way that they need to get met, and knowing that as the harmonizer parent, you are doing what they need by allowing that, creating the space for them-

00:45:35,747 –> 00:45:35,756 Chris Stemp
Yeah

00:45:35,756 –> 00:45:44,468 Shaun Dyke
… and the solitude for them. So you’re giving them exactly what they need. So if they’re not surrounding you and sitting next to you on the couch and cozying up into you, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

00:45:44,468 –> 00:45:44,567 Chris Stemp
Mm.

00:45:44,567 –> 00:45:49,428 Shaun Dyke
It doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate you. It means that you are creating safety and the space for them to be who they are.

00:45:49,428 –> 00:45:55,488 Chris Stemp
Well said. Probably a great place to end it, too. I mean, listen, we’ve said this a bunch of times. This is not where it ends.

00:45:55,488 –> 00:45:55,948 Shaun Dyke
Nope.

00:45:55,948 –> 00:46:15,808 Chris Stemp
This is our crash course, for a couple reasons. One, we’ve seen the power in this model and, and what we cover, and two, for the foreseeable future, in almost every conversation, you will hear us allude to a personality type or a distress sequence or a psychological need, and then we will say, “Go check out these episodes.”

00:46:15,808 –> 00:46:16,147 Shaun Dyke
[chuckles] Yeah.

00:46:16,147 –> 00:46:19,107 Chris Stemp
So it serves as a little bit of our library-

00:46:19,107 –> 00:46:19,228 Shaun Dyke
Yeah

00:46:19,228 –> 00:46:20,768 Chris Stemp
… for, for light reading.

00:46:20,768 –> 00:46:50,888 Shaun Dyke
Yeah, entirely. You’re… And those, if you’re, if you’re a common listener, you’re gonna hear us say all the time. Once we bring it up, uh, give us some patience and tolerate when we say, “Hey, if you don’t know what we’re referencing in that moment, we’re not gonna chase it right now. Go check out those other episodes.” The provocation that I would make is that if you tend to interact in the world your way, that you default to, and then you run into situations where you don’t have influence, or you’re bumping into relationships, or things aren’t working in the way that you would want, recognize that is a you problem.

00:46:50,888 –> 00:46:51,008 Chris Stemp
Yeah.

00:46:51,008 –> 00:46:51,768 Shaun Dyke
Back to it again.

00:46:51,768 –> 00:46:52,127 Chris Stemp
Yep.

00:46:52,127 –> 00:47:18,247 Shaun Dyke
There is that phrase that we tend to say: Most of our dissatisfaction in life is a reflection of limitations in yourself. You are choosing to not work through some of those limitations you’ve created on yourself, so build increased awareness around who you are, around the limitations that you may currently have, that you can completely outgrow, and expand your impact and your influence.

00:47:18,247 –> 00:47:50,087 Chris Stemp
Very well said. So I will do the necessary, which is, look, we’ve talked about it a bunch of times. Uh, make sure you subscribe. We’ll be talking about this a lot more. Sign up for the newsletter, door2.com/signup, because we will be putting this information out via email as well. Um, we also have workshops. We have a number of workshops where this is what we do for two, three days. Uh, it’s called Influence Through Human Dynamics. So you can sign up for that, door2.com. Reach out, and um, and learn much more about this model.

00:47:50,087 –> 00:47:51,647 Shaun Dyke
Excellent. Looking forward to next time, man.

00:47:51,647 –> 00:48:06,067 Chris Stemp
Yes, sir. [upbeat music]