The Secret Owner’s Manual for Being an Effective Human – Process Communication Model

Shaun Dyke
00:00:01.200 – 00:02:32.440
What if there was a user manual for being human? A way to understand why you think the way you think?

Why certain people are easy to work with and others aren’t? And why, under pressure, you might become someone you barely recognize? That’s what today’s episode is about.

My name is Shaun Dyke, managing partner of DoorTwo, and I’m excited to bring you this very important episode.

In this conversation, my colleague Chris and I are introducing the Process communication model, or PCM, a foundational framework we use at Door 2 and the backbone of one of our leadership development programs called Influence Through Human Dynamics.

PCM gives you a practical way to build self awareness, understand what drives your behavior, recognize what’s happening beneath the surface for others, and adjust how you communicate so connection and influence actually land. We use this model every day in our work with leaders and teams, because when people understand themselves, everything improves.

Relationships get cleaner, communication gets clearer, influence becomes more intentional. This is why we say, all growth starts with self awareness. This episode sets the foundation.

In the next two episodes, we’re going deeper into the six personality types within the model and how they show up at work, at home, and under stress. Make sure you’re subscribed to the podcast so you don’t miss those.

And if you want additional practical ways to apply PCM in your own work and life, subscribe to our newsletter. To subscribe to the newsletter, go to DoorTwo.com/Signup. We share more insights and tools there each week.

Okay, here’s the episode.

Welcome to in the Arena.

My name is Shaun Dyke, managing partner of DoorTwo, joining me today as is commonly the case, partner in crime, podcast producer, head of marketing, amazing husband…

Chris Stemp
00:02:32.440 – 00:02:33.600
You’d have to ask my wife.

Shaun Dyke
00:02:34.560 – 00:03:58.660
HA! Look, man. So here’s where focus is today when this sort of this. This idea of this podcast was hatched.

One of the core things we talked about was we want to help find ways to help people live and lead more effectively. Better. In fact, if you’ve Ever actually listened to the beginning of every one of our podcasts or you’ve taken the time to listen to our trailer, one of the things that we say in this is that this is not just a podcast about leadership, that we talk about the patterns that run us, the scripts we inherit, and the beliefs that we reinforce without really knowing it. And then we go on to say that here is where we’re going to name those patterns, rewrite those scripts, and surface those beliefs.

For the next three episodes, we’re going to talk about one of the primary models we use as a firm that actually allows that to happen.

This is the model that we use that really helps us uncover those unconscious, underlying thoughts, scripts, beliefs, that silent echo in the mind, or that voice that just narrates our story to us all the time. It is this model that is at the base level that helps us understand this. I mean, you’ve at times mentioned that this is like, as wizardry or magic.

It’s this model.

Chris Stemp
00:03:58.900 – 00:04:06.680
One time, the way you put it to me was, if there was an instruction manual for who we are, this would be it.

Shaun Dyke
00:04:06.680 – 00:04:09.640
I did say that that was a good one.

Chris Stemp
00:04:09.640 – 00:04:48.519
But that’s the thing, right?

We come into this world and we grow up in different circumstances with different parenting styles, in a different environment, and we have to figure it out along the way. And that is part of life. But if you could design it slightly better, you would say, hey, here is the book of you.

Here are the things that you should understand about yourself and why you do what you do.

And so it is. It’s an instruction manual.

And in my opinion, more importantly, it is the pulling back the veil of why you are, who you are, why you do the things you do. It’s not just about the externalization of personality. It is what drives that.

Shaun Dyke
00:04:48.519 – 00:06:26.780
Yeah, we, while others, see the manifestation of the behavior, there you go. For us, it is understanding what’s that underlying code that is driving that behavior in it. And it is our owner’s manual.

And the idea of if you could hand that owner’s manual to people in your life and be like, hey, this is how I operate, by the way, that’s abdicating a lot of responsibility for you being good at that. But in truth, it is an incredible way to sort of understand who we are. We couch this in the workshop that we run, influence through human dynamics.

We talk about this in this sort of more grandiose way, but it is that core model that we use to really Understand the complexity of humans. You know, we have a. We have a colleague, Kevin Hancock, that we run one of our workshops with. I like the way he describes it.

Often he says we are just one human in a great big pile of humans. And a pile of humans Sounds messy. And in so many ways it is, right? It’s complex and it is messy.

But through this model, process, communication model, we’re going to call it pcm. Every time we talk about it, it is complex and the human condition is complex. But the incredibly cool part about it is that it’s codable.

Like you can identify these constellation of traits that show up for folks. It’s where we’re going to explore. But we talked about this, and so we’re going to acknowledge this.

We normally teach this and articulate this over the course of multiple days. Yeah, we’re going to do multiple podcasts, but combined total is maybe an hour and a half. Where we’re.

We barely get warmed up in an hour and a half, usually.

Chris Stemp
00:06:26.940 – 00:06:58.180
Here’s what I will say if you go back to early on the first podcast we did, we talked about what despair is. Essentially the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

And if you are watching or listening and you want to better understand why am I in this current situation or circumstance, how do I get out of it? How do I change things? You have to first understand who. Who you are and why you do what you do.

This is why we say all growth starts with self awareness. This is the model that builds self awareness.

Shaun Dyke
00:06:58.740 – 00:07:42.430
This model is why I joined this firm. I think in so many ways this model isn’t as you did as well. We always say that humans are wired for connection.

We have that desire to connect and relate to one another. And yet it’s not uncommon that that doesn’t happen. There are those people in our lives that we connect with really easily.

Exploration and understanding of this model and application to self and others is what helps you really get, like, why that’s the case.

And if you have a desire to strengthen relationships with people that you have, if you have a desire to better connect with people around you, or if in that core leadership context, when we talk about leadership being the skillful use of influence, there is no better tool that exists to increase your influence. None.

Chris Stemp
00:07:43.070 – 00:07:51.620
This model was not developed to sell assessments. It wasn’t even developed to be in public use.

Shaun Dyke
00:07:51.930 – 00:07:52.130
Correct.

Chris Stemp
00:07:52.130 – 00:08:00.370
It was a therapeutic model, most importantly, developed to boost the success of the relationship between patient and doctor.

Shaun Dyke
00:08:00.370 – 00:09:17.370
Yeah, entirely. So if we think about like the Arc of human history. We’ve been trying to understand people for a long time.

And so you can name a myriad of thought leaders in this space that have tried to better understand why people, what they do, pick up a little Marcus Aurelius. And we’ve got some early thought on that. So that flows through a whole lot. The process communication model, or PCM was developed by Tabi Kaler.

And as you know, Tabi Kaler began this work as a clinical therapist. And the early on work in it was called the process therapy model. It wasn’t the process communication model.

It wasn’t for consumption in the business community or the technical world. It was in consumption in a clinical space to accelerate the efficacy of the relationship between clinician and patient.

If I better understand the issues and challenges this person is having, then I can accelerate the support that they might need.

That’s where it became incredible because we always say people are walking billboards, but if you’re willing to observe what is coming at you, then you can learn a lot about them. And that’s one of the core fundamental pieces that he did in the beginning to expand and develop it.

And again, it’s not like this model came into like he sat down one night and said, oh great, here are all the incredible parts to it. It was a cumulative build over time. And as a deeper exploration of it came into being and came into presence.

Chris Stemp
00:09:17.370 – 00:09:42.810
Yeah. And so if I’m listening right now and I go, okay, I’ve heard a couple of different things. One, this is gonna help me with my self awareness.

Two, it’s gonna help me connect with others, to lead and influence. It seems like we’re saying this model can do a lot of different things.

How does it help me understand who I am, but then in turn, how help me connect with you and be a communication tool.

Shaun Dyke
00:09:42.970 – 00:13:09.480
Nice. So let’s think about that idea of people. People invest in a lot of vocations. They put a lot of education behind who they are as individuals.

I want to be a financial analyst and I build incredible capability in understanding financial markets. I want to be a plumber, and I build incredible capability in understanding how to sweat copper and a myriad of other tools that go into that.

Our realization and awareness at some point in time is that throughout the day, we are constantly bumping into people. People that are plumbers, people that are financial analysts, people that are taxi drivers or Uber drivers.

Yet not a whole lot of our development, the vast majority of us, is really spent in understanding people, others, let alone ourself. We don’t do for ourself at all.

So the assertion that is made in this and that we would say is that as you grow and develop, we become this constellation of aggregated traits. So we have certain traits about us. You can take inventory of people in your life.

You have people in your life that maybe you qualify as really intelligent, very competent and capable, very thoughtful, purposeful, planful, articulate. That sort of conglomerate together as this constellation of traits.

You probably have other individuals in your life that you’d be like, oh, they’re incredible, like connectors and relationship builders. They’re kind and they’re warm and they’re, you know, really passionate about people in general.

Well, why is it and how is it that all of these things seem to pull together? Why do those tend to show up in those discrete ways? So if I can understand.

Oh, wait, my natural, normal constellation of traits that appear in me on a daily basis, they inform my thinking, they inform my behavior unconsciously and consciously. So if I begin with knowing that about myself, I can understand that. Wow. Yeah. I like to relate and connect with people.

That’s something really core and critical to me. I like to be playful and interact and be part of the human condition with individuals.

But not everybody does so in my polite to connect and influence and relate. If I’m starting to chat with somebody else and that’s just not their game, in fact, that might make them uncomfortable. They don’t enjoy that space.

If I can more rapidly predict through that walking billboard all of those behavioral cues that are coming at me, then I’m going to be better positioned to know how to connect and relate with them and the way they want to be connected and related with. What is it? What’s the golden rule? Treat others how you want to be treated. We always say, no, absolutely not. Let’s leverage the platinum rule.

Treat others how they want to be treated.

So if I do the work to understand how these constellations of traits sort of pull together at the center of gravity and in people, then I better understand me, why I do what I do, why I think what I think, and I can recognize it in others.

The rate at which you can identify probable ways people are going to behave, probable things that will enjoy, probable things that will piss them off. Your ability to connect and relate with them accelerates rapidly.

Chris Stemp
00:13:10.120 – 00:14:35.250
Okay, so that’s a brief summary of how we leverage this to both understand ourself and connect with others. And what I have to say is this is a model that I know I use literally every day.

It has fundamentally changed the way I show up in a room, and I don’t mean just a professional room. So a couple of quick examples. I have three kids. My oldest is 10.

And there will be moments when I will respond to a question from him and he will just go quiet. He will just kind of stop talking, or I will give him a command and he will kind of slink off.

And what this model showed me is there’s a different way I need to engage him as compared to my other kids. I have to ask him a question. In fact, I have to ask him a question about his opinion or perspective.

I did it one time in the car, and rather than do the parenting thing where I just tell, I said, what’s your perspective on this? And he didn’t stop talking for the next 20 minutes on the way to the basketball game. That’s just one example. That’s what I wanted.

I just wanted him to talk, to tell me something. And how many of us want that from our kids? We just want them to talk. What this allowed me to do is understand how do I get him to open that up?

Another is with my wife. And I will use this example only because it calls back to a previous episode.

Shaun Dyke
00:14:35.250 – 00:14:35.690
Yeah.

Chris Stemp
00:14:36.220 – 00:15:32.580
The way I had been complimenting her for years was not the way in which her personality type hears a compliment. In fact, it could be heard as a criticism or something that’s not actually that important.

I use those two examples because what I’m going to ask you to do is get into what are the core components of this model? But first, I just want those listening to understand.

If I didn’t understand my natural tendency, my natural way in connecting, my natural way in talking to my son or my wife, I couldn’t change it. So at first I had to understand where do I come from on a subconscious, habitual basis.

Then I have to be willing to say, okay, if this is how I communicate, connect, interact, engage, how can I modify it for them to improve our moment by moment relationship?

Shaun Dyke
00:15:32.580 – 00:15:33.140
Yep.

Chris Stemp
00:15:33.140 – 00:15:38.260
And that is what I think this does. This is why it’s human dynamics entirely.

Shaun Dyke
00:15:38.500 – 00:15:39.140
Entirely.

Chris Stemp
00:15:39.140 – 00:15:41.300
That promises a lot. Okay.

Shaun Dyke
00:15:41.300 – 00:15:41.780
Yeah.

Chris Stemp
00:15:42.260 – 00:15:43.300
How does it do it?

Shaun Dyke
00:15:43.700 – 00:15:59.640
I’m gonna answer that, but I wanna make one comment about something that. It’s funny. I’ve actually. I don’t think I thought about it until I heard us just now talking about it.

We refer to this thing as a model, which is interesting because it sounds like that’s some sort of external idea. It’s not. It’s a summation of us, of who we are.

Chris Stemp
00:15:59.880 – 00:16:00.280
Right.

Shaun Dyke
00:16:00.760 – 00:16:19.960
We call it descriptive of us because it helps us understand who we are. We call it predictive because it helps us understand the probable way in which we’re going to interact. And then we call it prescriptive.

So descriptive, predictive and prescriptive. What should we do about that?

Chris Stemp
00:16:20.040 – 00:16:26.970
Say it again. Because if you’re looking to understand and then do something different, you would want somebody to tell you those three things.

Shaun Dyke
00:16:26.970 – 00:16:57.340
A hundred percent, which are descriptive. It describes us. It is predictive. It helps us understand the probable way in which we are going to interact, and it is prescriptive.

It tells us how we should interact with other individuals. So it is reductive when we call it a model. Like, you’ve been hiding from me for four years. I’m in front of God.

I gotta keep some stuff to myself, man. Otherwise you were like, I’m going to save this for a podcast. I’m the old guy. Like, I got to be conscious and keep that in there.

Chris Stemp
00:16:57.340 – 00:16:57.980
I love that.

Shaun Dyke
00:16:57.980 – 00:17:31.149
Okay, but that’s. I think that’s a. It’s a more accurate way. It is a model. It is a framework in which we hang all of those things about us in it.

So again, it describes us. It helps predict who we’re going to be, and it prescribes the way in which we should interact with one another.

Okay, so what are these components of it? I mean, there’s a. There’s a bunch, but I’m going to. I’m going to bring it down to four primary pieces.

The first one is that you and I and everybody else that bumps into this world, we have a lens through which we look at. To view the world. Those lenses are widely varied.

Chris Stemp
00:17:31.309 – 00:17:32.589
Tell us your lens real quick.

Shaun Dyke
00:17:32.589 – 00:18:23.130
Yeah, So I have a lens that looks at the human condition, two primary ways through my desire and belief to connect and relate with people. I always see people as part of the equation.

When I connect and want to relate, I walk into a room, I see people, I see smiles, I see connection, I see warmth. I. I see relationship. So I have a desire to build, nurture, connect, create those relationships.

I also have a really strong lens through the world around the way in which I perceive it should operate, that I have some strong convictions and beliefs on what the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do is. So I lens a lot of my interactions through people being part of the equation and.

And through my beliefs and my viewpoints being a strong part of the equation. That is not how everybody does it. That is my lens.

Chris Stemp
00:18:23.290 – 00:18:41.770
Well, and one of the things I always say about the lens analogy is because we wear it all the time, we also naturally assume that that’s everybody else’s lens. Like we assume, I see blue, you see blue, the same shade. And what we’re saying is, no, we might call it the same thing, but we see it differently.

Shaun Dyke
00:18:42.600 – 00:18:49.320
Think of the phrase, I always think of this when I do this. What is the phrase that people have used forever? It is that they see the world through rose tinted glasses. What does that mean?

Chris Stemp
00:18:49.320 – 00:18:50.200
Right, right.

Shaun Dyke
00:18:50.280 – 00:20:15.300
That means that they tend to look at the world much more optimistically and much more enthusiastically. So they have a lens by which they view the world. Now, it forms often early in life and unconsciously, how it shows up wasn’t intentional.

This is why we say the patterns that run us, the scripts we’ve inherited, and the unconscious beliefs that we reinforce, they are things that have formed in us that we don’t necessarily have awareness to. So we gain exposure to that. So this model helps us, part one, identify how we lens the world.

Second part of it, and this again will sound real productive as I articulate it, but this is what we’re going to chase over the next two episodes. It aggregates those constellations of traits we’ve talked about into six personality types.

Calling a personality type is probably one of the most simplified ways of describing this, but it is all of those parts of who we are as an individual in a way in which we express our owner’s manual, our instruction manual, in these personality types.

So understanding who we are in that model and who others are in that model allows for that human connection, that relationship building to accelerate. And it gives you a greater visibility into descriptive, predictive, prescriptive realities that we’re experiencing with it.

Chris Stemp
00:20:15.300 – 00:20:26.460
Well, and I also think it builds empathy so much. I say this all the time in the workshop is if you see somebody do something without knowing why, you might sympathize.

But it’s really hard to empathize.

Shaun Dyke
00:20:26.460 – 00:20:27.020
Yes, nice.

Chris Stemp
00:20:27.020 – 00:20:31.380
I said, but I can empathize with you if I know the why behind that behavior.

Shaun Dyke
00:20:31.460 – 00:20:31.860
Right.

Chris Stemp
00:20:32.100 – 00:21:00.400
And so I want to use you as an example here. You didn’t know I was going to do this, but you talked about your lenses, Right?

Human based, connection based, and then also having an opinion or perspective of the world. So those listening or watching as we talk about personality types, it’s actually not a far stretch to guess, well, how does Sean likely show up?

What is his personality? I say that personality is basically the externalization of our internal world.

Shaun Dyke
00:21:01.130 – 00:21:02.170
Wait, do it again.

Chris Stemp
00:21:02.810 – 00:21:06.650
Personality is the externalization of Our internal world.

Shaun Dyke
00:21:07.050 – 00:21:08.770
Nice. So you’ve been hiding that one for me.

Chris Stemp
00:21:08.770 – 00:21:09.490
Yeah, yeah, I’m good.

Shaun Dyke
00:21:09.490 – 00:21:11.570
That was just a light bully right back at me.

Chris Stemp
00:21:11.570 – 00:21:28.450
Right. But so think about it. If your lens is. I want to connect and I feel there’s a way things should be. And everybody do this live with us.

How does that person go about their day? Well, they probably. And I’ve seen you do this in the elevator. You look at people, not at the ground.

Shaun Dyke
00:21:28.450 – 00:21:28.970
Yep.

Chris Stemp
00:21:29.530 – 00:21:35.930
You say hello, smile. You chameleon to how they are. If they’re down, you’ll kind of.

Shaun Dyke
00:21:35.930 – 00:21:36.250
Hey.

Chris Stemp
00:21:36.250 – 00:21:57.850
If they’re up, you’ll go up.

And then also if you have a recommendation on the way things might be better, you will often give it in a well done way because you have the human component and the perspective component. Right. So I use this about my mom. I talked about her in another episode. She has exact same lens as you, by the way.

Shaun Dyke
00:21:58.010 – 00:22:00.170
She’s a good person. Yeah, she is. She’s great.

Chris Stemp
00:22:01.430 – 00:22:10.070
And the opinion. And so for Thanksgiving, she comes over with more food than necessary. Because I want you to know I care.

Shaun Dyke
00:22:10.150 – 00:22:10.630
Yeah.

Chris Stemp
00:22:10.870 – 00:22:17.310
And an opinion on what food should go where and how it should be cooked and how it should be prepared.

Shaun Dyke
00:22:17.310 – 00:22:19.990
Yeah. Yeah. You get a little unconscious control externalization.

Chris Stemp
00:22:20.710 – 00:22:23.190
Of that perspective that you’re talking about.

Shaun Dyke
00:22:23.190 – 00:22:27.270
Yeah. There are so many things in what you just said that my brain wants to chase.

Chris Stemp
00:22:27.270 – 00:22:29.910
I know. I’m just trying to give context for those listeners.

Shaun Dyke
00:22:29.910 – 00:22:30.270
You’re right.

Chris Stemp
00:22:30.270 – 00:22:30.470
Yeah.

Shaun Dyke
00:22:30.470 – 00:23:45.420
It’s perfect. Those two things. It is entirely true. And that externalization of the internal world can come from positive lens.

With intentionality, it can come from an unconscious lens, which is. I will just do this. That’s the third part of this model.

The third part of the model helps you identify in self and others the predictable pattern of distress. When I am not in a good place, when I am off my game, when I am experiencing distress, which we will chase distress more.

But distress is the negative part of stress. What are people likely to experience from me? What happens in me? What are those flags that physically manifest?

And the thoughts that start rushing into my mind, not under my control, that appear when distress is present for me, then what the hell do I do about that? Yes.

How do I get that under control so that the corresponding behavior that normally flows from me when I’m irritated or frustrated or mad or I don’t like what you said, or I disagree with your opinion or burn in hell, whatever those pieces are, how do I learn to inhibit that response? And then the bigger Part of that journey is how do I recognize those red flags in others.

Chris Stemp
00:23:45.420 – 00:23:45.980
Exactly.

Shaun Dyke
00:23:45.980 – 00:23:54.270
So, oh, I can see a distress response showing up in others is it allows me to create empathy in what’s happening. Oh, I see. It’s red flag.

Chris Stemp
00:23:54.270 – 00:23:54.670
Yes.

Shaun Dyke
00:23:54.670 – 00:24:07.070
Yeah, they’re sounding really confident right now and they’re being hyperverbal and they’ve got a ton of words coming out of their mouth. That’s all insecurity. They’re off their game a ton and are trying to reestablish their sense of self. How do I help in that journey?

Chris Stemp
00:24:07.070 – 00:24:36.820
And this, I think, is really what you get paid to do. I mean, I think so much of your work, specifically in the consulting and coaching hangs in this spot.

Not just taking a person at face value because everybody can do that. They wouldn’t hire you for that. Right.

But when you hear them do something that is out of character because of this model that we have, you know, oh, that behavior is a defense mechanism for this, which I can coach to or I can open up their eyes.

Shaun Dyke
00:24:36.820 – 00:26:02.310
To and learn to regulate and control. So I know we’re going to chase it deeply. But just for fun, let’s just do this for a second. If you’re listening, here’s what I want you to do.

I want you to first think about, do I know when I’m in distress? Just consider it for a second. Am I conscious enough to recognize that when distress is present, it’s there for me?

It’s likely people are going to have one or two responses. They’re going to say yes, or they’re going to say it’s usually shortly after or it’s a little later on. Okay, that’s fine. Second part of it.

Are you conscious of the physical manifestation of your distress, what happens in your body? Because when the chemistry cascade happens, we physically feel it.

Our neck flushes, our chest tightens, our stomach gets uncomfortable, our hands shake, our mouth gets dry. There is a physical neurochemical response to the distress pattern showing up in it. This is one of our early stage tells for us.

We now should start in that spot if we can. Realizing red flag. The next things that come out of my mouth are probably not going to be from my complex brain.

I’m probably going to regret some of the stuff that starts showing up right now because of where I am. So if you’re listening, do you know it? Do you know how to inhibit your response? Do you know how to replace that with something different?

What do you do about that? That is one of the core things that we’re trying to teach inside of it from the distress sequence.

Chris Stemp
00:26:02.310 – 00:26:03.470
This is the instruction manual.

Shaun Dyke
00:26:03.470 – 00:26:04.070
Yes. Correct.

Chris Stemp
00:26:04.070 – 00:26:41.420
If your answer to that is, I kind of know, but I don’t know what the sequence looks like. I don’t know the behaviors I exhibit. I don’t know how it’s perceived. You’ll get it. You’ll get there handed over.

It reminds me of the other day I went downstairs, I’m looking at my tankless water heater, and it is flashing a number, 66. It is in distress. And it is telling me not only that, but here is exactly the problem I’m having. Right. And wouldn’t it be so great if we had that?

The thing is, we are in distress, flashing a number. It’s just the world and others around us haven’t learned what that number is, how to interpret it.

Shaun Dyke
00:26:41.420 – 00:26:44.060
Yep. I look at 66 and I don’t.

Chris Stemp
00:26:44.060 – 00:27:01.220
Know what to do with that exactly. Or I judge it. You must be a jerk. We are now not working together, talking, et cetera, et cetera. And guess what? You have relationship fracture.

So empathy. I see your 66. I know where it comes from. I know what to do about it because I want to connect with you.

Shaun Dyke
00:27:01.220 – 00:27:23.100
This is. We need six hours for this conversation alone.

I don’t think it’s quantifiable to think about the implications on the world if I was patient enough and willing enough to recognize that the person across from me is flashing 66 to use this analogy. And I didn’t just judge it.

Chris Stemp
00:27:23.180 – 00:27:23.820
There you go.

Shaun Dyke
00:27:24.380 – 00:27:41.040
I was curious enough little Ted Lasso to want to assist, to want to help, to help invite them out of that, to help them solve that problem in some way. We don’t do that. We approach it in such a negative way.

Chris Stemp
00:27:41.440 – 00:27:55.520
Give me one of the most common examples that you think it’s a 66. Okay. It is a distress sequence that people are exhibiting just to show somebody what they could notice and what it means.

Shaun Dyke
00:27:55.760 – 00:28:52.470
Yeah. So we’ll do a kind of a couple fun, easy ones. Let’s do so. Large percentages of the world have a desire to be experienced.

As smart, as intelligent, as competent. They navigate the systems that they’re working in, and they unconsciously and many consciously want to show up capable and prepared and competent.

So now let’s put you in a situation where let’s get real granular. You’re sitting in a conference room and somebody turns to you and asks you about something that you don’t have an answer to.

There’s an internal, immediate fear state that materializes right There is a oh shit moment that happens in it. So a couple things are going to potentially materialize.

One of them is that I’m going to just go quiet because I don’t want to speak because there is the ability to interpret. Anything that I say is incompetence. So I’m just going to kind of want to shut down.

Chris Stemp
00:28:52.470 – 00:28:52.670
Now.

Shaun Dyke
00:28:52.670 – 00:30:28.060
I’m probably not going to do that if someone asks me. But if I can get away with not speaking up, I’m just going to stay quiet. If I get a direct ask on it.

Some of the first things that I’m going to do is I’m going to attempt to restabilize who I am. So I’m going to really try to look smart, I’m going to try to use bigger words, I’m going to probably use a greater volume of words.

I’m probably going to redirect the conversation to something that I can speak to with eloquence and intellect. We said earlier there’s a predictable sequence of distress and we’re going to talk about this, right? But it gets deeper. That’s light stage distress.

If that person pushes on me a little more, probable ways I might show up is I may start getting a little louder, I may start getting a little more aggressive in my tonality. And the reason I do that is I have unconsciously learned through time that an aggressor posture tends to back people down.

So I now restabilize my sense of who I am. I’m okay, my self worth is all right. And I kind of drop that back down into this space. That same individual, you’re going to know this one.

This is fun. Normal scenario, when they’re not in distress, when they send emails, they’re one liners, they’re bullet points.

The distress email from that person six paragraphs long, referencing all of their thinking, the research and the intellect behind it. Because I’m off my game.

And that distress pattern is showing most of the world just operates unconsciously to that reality all the time and is unable to say, ah, shoot, I gotta name that. I’m in a distress place right now.

Chris Stemp
00:30:28.460 – 00:30:55.320
So you can kind of see how lens is I want to be competent. Personality type shows up in a lot of ways of looking competent, doing research, et cetera. And then distress sequence.

When I feel like my competence is in question, the behavior that comes next is to reassert that competence. And that can look like over explaining, attacking, belittling. That’s just a quick example of small example. The human manual that we’re talking about.

Shaun Dyke
00:30:55.480 – 00:31:17.840
It is we have a self defense mechanism. I think it’s one of the most appropriate ways to label that because you are trying to protect your sense of self.

You may not realize it, but it’s what you’re trying to do. So you unconsciously start firing a pattern of behavior that has historically served you to restabilize that sense of self.

Okay, so what’s the last one? The last one is just real simple one. It’s called psychological needs.

Chris Stemp
00:31:17.840 – 00:31:18.480
A piece of cake.

Shaun Dyke
00:31:18.480 – 00:32:38.070
Eat piece of cake. That’s an easy one. Right? So it always sounds weird. And we talk about this anytime we teach this.

And even in this space, when we talk about the idea of psychological needs, most of the time people don’t want to be experienced or articulate that they have a need. Right? They’re good, they’re strong, they’re competent, they’re capable. I don’t need individuals to fulfill that. And it’s just a fallacy.

It’s not true. We all have these.

We all have psychological needs that when they are met on a consistent basis, they fortify who we are and our sense of self is stabilized. Let’s use that same individual.

When that individual is in a spot where they feel like the work contributions they’re doing are adding value, they’re effective. They’re perceived as intelligent, capable, competent and smart. These are just fuel for who they are and how they show up.

If they’re in that spot, it’s actually way less likely for them to display that distress sequence. Because they’re in a better spot, they can regulate self control much more effectively. I fundamentally believe in this model.

It’s the most important part to it. Your sense of self is completely thrown into a loop. When these things are not met, they’re not fulfilled appropriately.

And your ability to connect and react and interrelate to other people is compromised whenever you don’t fulfill that. So what’s this? You give me one, man. What’s a psychological need?

Chris Stemp
00:32:38.230 – 00:34:13.760
I’ll never forget when I learned one of my predominant ways of perceiving the world is also through connection and people. And that personality type has a psychological need that is sensory. Okay?

And what that means essentially is, look, one of the reasons we want to connect with others and connect with the world is because we are big in feeling. We feel the world, we feel our way around it, right? And so sensory is a need to feel things that are pleasing. Okay?

Now this can be both in the context of clothing. So I like to wear sweatpants or whatever, right? But it’s also the environments that are pleasing to us.

Ever since I was in my early 20s, when I would feel that distress, I would go camping. Now, if I could drag people along, even better. But I have camped many a times by myself with maybe a little bit of bourbon.

But it was almost like on a calendar every three months or so. I could just feel the boil so much that I had to run into trees. And I just have a vision of pine trees. Nice fire.

You can picture the shadows on the pine trees. A bourbon, the smell of the smoke, which I can smell now.

Not until this workshop that I realize one of my psychological needs is a sensory need to find things that are pleasing to me. And when I am in those environments, I literally lower the volume of distress. It is that plain and simple. Now it’s intentional.

It’s the same behavior, but now it’s intentional. That is one of my psychological needs.

Shaun Dyke
00:34:13.760 – 00:34:19.160
Fortifying and building resilience in advance of the difficulty versus running yourself to empty and then having to fill it back up.

Chris Stemp
00:34:19.160 – 00:34:19.760
Exactly.

Shaun Dyke
00:34:20.240 – 00:35:49.480
One of the things that I love about that you chose that psychological need is you. And I’ve done this many times.

When you’re standing in front of a room and you’re teaching this, there are those people in the room that do not have this need. Yeah. And they’re kind of looking at you like, really? And then there are those that have it and they’re grinning ear to ear.

And you’re getting these huge head nods out of them because you know this. If you’re this person. And what’s fun is when you ask people in a room, what is this?

And the things that you get, texture in clothing, the smell of a fresh cut grass or one of mine is like from living in. I grew up in Idaho as a kid. And, you know, the concrete would get incredibly hot and then we would.

We would hose the concrete down and then we’d lay on it. And the smell of wet concrete, like, just hearkens back to this calming place. Okay, so why does that matter?

Well, if we know that one of the things we’re trying to do is connect and relate to others, that we’re trying to have strong sense of satisfaction for self.

And if we know that we deplete our psychological needs to some incredible point, we’re less capable of doing this, I believe that we have a little bit of an obligation to take care of ourself in that way.

So that as we interact with our kids, our colleagues, our spouse, the people that we’re leading, we are able to show up in a meaningful and effective way for them. This is part of creating command of the scripts, the beliefs and the patterns that are running in our head consciously, not unconsciously.

Chris Stemp
00:35:49.960 – 00:36:36.960
To put it in the most simple terms. We’re not saying a lot of things that people haven’t heard or thought of. So first, we all have a lens. What does that mean?

You have specific perspectives on the world. Okay. Yeah, most people are aware. Yeah, I have a way. I think the world runs, or should run, et cetera. Cool. Those drive your behavior.

Okay, that makes sense too. That’s what I do. That’s what we call the personality types.

When things aren’t going according to that lens or when that lens is shaken, I have a distress pattern. Okay. That means I just am not doing well. Okay. We call it I’m stressed. And then we have psych needs which are. People use the term fill our bucket.

These are the things that boost us up. That allows you to handle those distressors in a better way to build connection for your personality type.

Shaun Dyke
00:36:36.960 – 00:36:37.360
Yes.

Chris Stemp
00:36:38.080 – 00:36:43.360
What is incredible is not what we just said. It’s the answers to those things.

Shaun Dyke
00:36:43.360 – 00:36:43.920
Yes, correct.

Chris Stemp
00:36:43.920 – 00:36:46.800
It is the. Okay, Chris, that all makes sense. But what are mine?

Shaun Dyke
00:36:46.800 – 00:36:48.560
What are mine and what do I do about it?

Chris Stemp
00:36:48.560 – 00:36:57.910
And I would love to say, because we are just going to keep recording. Oh, just keep listening and you’ll get that. We have to break them up into multiple episodes or else this will be.

Shaun Dyke
00:36:57.910 – 00:36:59.470
A three hour episode.

Chris Stemp
00:37:00.030 – 00:37:20.980
Additionally, we run a workshop on it. It’s called Influence through Human Dynamics where we spend anywhere from two to three and a half days giving people the deep dive on this.

Oftentimes in a business setting because it’s about as a leader first you have to be at your best to then show up at your best for your team and influence accordingly.

Shaun Dyke
00:37:20.980 – 00:38:07.110
Yes, completely agree, man. We got to be well to lead. Well, it’s one of the core things that we tend to say, right? You have to show up best yourself. Okay.

So let’s at least give this. Let’s give sort of those six personality types at least in a general construct on like how they tend to view the world.

So if you’re listening, you can identify like, oh, maybe that’s me. The fun part in this that we’re going to talk to a little bit later is those of you that go, wait a minute, I feel lots of those.

Yeah, that makes a ton of sense that you would. So the first one is going to be the individual that has that incredibly strong logic orientation.

We talked about them as that example earlier, you are that individual that sees the world through a more data driven linear way where there is structure, sequence, intellect, problem solving. On how you choose to navigate the world, you bring those character strengths present in a really prominent way.

Chris Stemp
00:38:07.990 – 00:38:36.850
Number two, second one very much sees the world through opinions, convictions, belief sets. So there is a way the world should operate, there’s a way the world should be, there’s a way I should be in the world.

Often these are people who are making social change happen.

They’re willing to push through difficulties and that’s the thing they see as the most important for them is what positive influence can I have and what change can I drive?

Shaun Dyke
00:38:36.930 – 00:39:10.820
Right, so we’ve hit that logic orientation person, we’ve said we’ve got that individual that tends to have those strong opinions and convictions. And then we’ll hit the third one that you and I have already talked a lot about that we have a bunch of.

And it’s that individual that tends to go through that doorway of human connection and emotion, relationship, intimacy, building rapport and interaction with those around us. So they’re the consummate hosts and hostesses that we have.

They’re the people that tend to exhibit that immediate caring concern for people around us. They invite loyalty and warmth and just that, that caring perspective as they interact with one another.

Chris Stemp
00:39:11.460 – 00:39:35.310
Next one is the one that’s driven towards fun. It’s enjoying the world might be one I tend to lean towards. I know it relatively well.

But it’s the idea that there’s spontaneity, there’s creativity and look, life is meant to be lived. Let’s enjoy it, let’s create joy in others and also might rally the crowd a little bit, try to have some fun and make some mischief.

Shaun Dyke
00:39:35.310 – 00:39:37.590
Outstanding. Yeah, yeah, you have a wee bit.

Chris Stemp
00:39:37.590 – 00:39:38.270
Of that in you.

Shaun Dyke
00:39:38.910 – 00:40:13.310
Fifth one, massive action orientation. So these personality traits, when they show up in individuals, they have a bias for action.

So get up in the morning, feet hit the ground, it is going all day long through stimulation, activity, action, adrenaline, sinking. They are the movers and the shakers in the world. They make things happen.

They are the folks that we tend to say naturally are going to show up with that high extroversion tendency, give them a mic, point em to a stage, they’re going to step to the stage and they’re ready to go. They’ve got that incredible drive and prominence to put things into action.

Chris Stemp
00:40:14.110 – 00:40:41.560
And then the sixth one is kind of the opposite to that, if you will, tends to err towards introversion.

It’s the internal person, it’s the one who often likes to have some solitude, who really wants to imagine and be in their own thoughts and vision and really just be in a place where they get to be alone, be with themselves. And how that manifests we’re going to talk about in coming episodes.

Shaun Dyke
00:40:41.560 – 00:41:14.000
Yeah. So as you’re listening, as you go through that inventory and you’re like, oh, no, I’m definitely. Some of those folks probably recognize some in you.

Hopefully you also take a second and think about, ooh, no, that is, that’s my colleague, that’s my significant other, that’s my friend. That tends to show up that way. And if you had that headspace, go, well, wait a minute.

I feel like I have a lot of those that show up on me at all the time. You are not wrong. That is the case. Those do happen. And we’re going to talk about how that unpacks appropriately.

So I guess goal would be to tune in next time as we really kind of explore. We’re going to hit three of those personality types next time and then the next episode we’re going to unpack three more.

Chris Stemp
00:41:14.080 – 00:41:51.130
Yeah. And here’s the thing, it doesn’t end here. So there’s a couple of things I want to highlight.

Number one, the reason we’re doing these PCM episodes early on in our podcasting journey is because we will refer to it almost in every episode. It is a core foundation of how we do what we do here. So it’s good to have that awareness if you’re going to be listening.

Number two is we will be putting out a lot of this information and material over time via the newsletter. So go to door2.com Signup Sign up for the newsletter comes out once a week and you will get more of this over time.

Shaun Dyke
00:41:51.130 – 00:41:51.530
Yeah.

Chris Stemp
00:41:51.530 – 00:42:06.690
And then the other is just, you know, on our website we have a lot of good material.

I say that because you go into our website and reading material or listening to the podcast, it is just a way that we get to kind of further this mission of helping people build self awareness and live and lead better entirely.

Shaun Dyke
00:42:06.690 – 00:42:21.210
And I think that and collectively that makes the world a better place.

I mean we have that macro concept of choosing extraordinary impact and fundamentally believe understanding this about self and others only amplifies your ability to have that impact. So looking forward to the next times we get to push through this.

Chris Stemp
00:42:21.210 – 00:43:15.270
That’s it. Let’s do it. Thanks for joining us in the arena. If you want to keep growing, the best thing you can do is join our weekly newsletter.

It’s where we break down the biggest ideas from the podcast and share the tools and frameworks we use every day to help leaders live and lead differently.

You can sign up for that@door2.com that is D O-O-Rtwo.com signup and if you enjoyed the conversation, make sure to follow or subscribe wherever you listen. If you prefer to watch, head over to YouTube and check out our full video episodes filmed right here in our on site studio.

And remember, all growth starts with self awareness. We’ll see you next time in the arena. Sam.